exhausted to the point of insanity

...and i say im insane because instead of SLEEPING while my beautiful baby is, i am up at 10pm redoing my myspace page and reading blogs...ahh! she is going to wake up in just a few hours, and its all downhill from there (sleep wise)
I have been sooo sleep deprived lately. I have starting putting her in her crib..i felt it was time, at least for half the night. but in trying to get her to STAY in the crib, i end up getting up at least 3 times a night to feed and put her back, if not just to soothe. me thinks this is a little counter productive! so i am a zombie. but my myspace page looks good. ha!

school is good, but hard, and time consuming. I have a paper to write, and a chapter to read ( a long one ) and a quiz to study for this weekend. bah. thats another better use of this time...writing that paper. ah well.

I am still losing weight!!! Yeah baby...down almost 15 lbs so far!! :)

Okay..im off to waste more time and feel guilty about it.!

oh the madness

It's Saturday!! Yeah!
I just weighed myself and I am 154.2!!!! I didnt think I was going to lose 2 lbs this week but I did!! WOOOOHOOOOOO!!!! I love my new heart rate monitor I just bought. It totally makes me work out harder and I get to see exactly how many calories I am burning. I just need to stay in the "zone" more...I kept going over my THR.

So I got an email from my professor for my first class at school. She sent us the syllabus and some other stuff. I already have an assignment due and class hasnt even started yet! :- I have to write a paper on three different achievements throughout my life. Of course we are going to share it with 5 people in the class so I cant make it too cheesy. I got most of it done last night. But there is also TONS of reading I have to do, not to mention all this other little bullshit. Im thinking...oh shit, what have I gotten myself into? How am I supposed to do all this, take care of my baby, work, and work out all at the same time??? And i kinda started having an anxiety attack. But I just need to be SUPER organized, have my whole week planned out, and do everything on the weekends and at night when Arabella goes to sleep. Who ever said it would be easy right? Oh, and not only do I go to class one night a week, but am expected to meet with my learning team (other students) once a week for 5 hours!! Thats gonna be tough. Yikes.

So, I am not doing much this weekend. Nothing fun to do when you are totally ASS BROKE. I mean I have NO money. That is another major stressor right now. But what am i supposed to do? So i just try not to think about it. Arabella and I are going to hang out at home, go for walks, watch movies, the usual. Javi is coming over too, and will probably spend the night tonight.

Anyways, I need to go make some coffee!

and then it goes flat

So I am starting to be more and more afraid that my relationship with javier has fizzled. I guess everything on my side is still the same but he is so different. We used to be so in love. I felt it every time I was with him, we were soo in sync, so tuned in to eachother. And it wasnt just the honeymoon stage because it was like that for the better part of three years. Then slowly it just started to melt down.

He used to be soo sweet with me.I used to feel the electricity. I used to know FOR SURE that I was the one he loved and wanted to be with.

Now we bicker a lot. I get on his nerves. He gets on mine (although I dont show it). It feels more like friendship than the great love. I truly feel as though he is only there for Arabella (and while that makes me happy for her sake it makes me feel shitty as a woman)

I dont know. I know he is going through a hard time and maybe this is all just a result of that. And I know he is tired of talking about relationships, so I cant tell him how I feel.

So...I dont know. I feel sad, disappointed, a little empty. Maybe its because I know hes not fully committed to me yet. He doesnt live with me, we arent married. He could split at any time. uugghhhh

All you married women, women who have been in long term relationships...is it the same for you? Or do you always know for sure that your man is in love with you and you are meant for each other?

teacher, teacher!

I am going back to school!!! I am so excited. I had started University of Phoenix online about a year before I got pregnant and when I found I was prego I quit. I had completed 24 credits. So now I am going back in the on campus program. I will go one night a week, Mondays, from 6-10pm. Each class is completed in 5 weeks. That way I will be done in a year and a half. I am majoring in human services, and my enrollment counselor was telling me about all the jobs I could get as a counselor (making pretty good money!) with just a BA! And the coolest part is I can get a job in that field with only 60 credits!

So while I am excited I am also scared and anxious..it will be a lot of work and I have to make sure I have someone to watch Arabella...plus I dont know how well she is going to do in her nightly routine without me there. :-( Ideally Javier will come and watch her but who knows! I am just proud of myself for continuing to work hard and really stoked at the potential career change that will happen in 1.5 years! I have always wanted to be a counselor!

So, yayyy me!!

the "days"

well, now I know why i have been such a mental case the last week. I got a visit from "aunt flo" this morning! along with a sore belly and lower back.. :( yuck. javier calls it the "days" ha!

So yesterday after my extremely melodramatic post about him being critical i was super moody and spilled my guts to him telling him how I felt and he apologized and called himself a jerk. the rest of our day was good. its just DIFFERENT when you are around someone all the time. especially when they (or you) are going through hard times and are under a cloud a lot. you really get to see the good, the bad, and the ugly. it is a real relationship. luckily we both get over things pretty easily.

so this weekend was good overall. we went swimming yesterday and arabella had fun. oh and she is getting a tooth!!! my baby's first tooth!!! it is the lower left. my little ladybug is growing up so fast!

and...i lost 2 lbs!! I have been tracking all my calories on thedailyplate.com for a while now and I recently started calorie cycling. which is where you eat the same amount of cals every week but different amounts each day so that your body doesnt get used to one specific amount and keeps your metabolism burning. And its working!! 2 lbs!! yeahhhhh...

sooo i need to go work out even though i am exhausted. im sure i will feel better when im done.

the critic

sometimes my boyfriend is so critical. he never used to be this way. you know, when youre just the mistress, only seen at your best, when you feel fun, sexy, flirty and desired, there is nothing much to criticize.
now we've been together for 4 years, with a brand new baby, and he is finally getting to know me. the real me. the messy, moody, emotional, defensive, scared, slightly-uncomfortable-in-her-own-skin me. and i dont know how much he likes it. he finds my anxiety and quiet moodiness (always provoked by him) to be unnattractive. then i retort with some smart, hurt little girl comment and he just doesnt get it. he doesnt understand my feelings, or even try to. he expects me to be the fantasy goddess, the sexual, confident, powerful woman he once knew.
i have always known and loved him for exactly what he was. maybe it was because he treated me so damn good. maybe i was just naive. i never ask him to change, or be something hes not. when hes moody, or pissed off, or quiet and thoughtful i try to put myself in his shoes; be empathetic. why doesnt he return the favor? why, instead of criticizing, doesnt he seek to understand me?

and so the outcome of our stupid little fights is that i always swallow my feelings and apologize, feeling slightly guilty for inconveniencing him with my heart. i know it shouldnt be this way. yet i cant ask him to change and even if i could, he wouldnt. he was in love with an illusion and the reality is a disappointment.

so much shouting, so much laughter

where to begin...i was putting off writing it down in here because I was afraid to believe it was true.

JAVIER IS GETTING DIVORCED!!!!!!!!!! finally, finally, finally..

I know that many people who see this will see me as a homewrecker and a slew of other bad names. but no one knows the situation. so relax. he has been seperated for a LONG time. now it has finally become official. i am free to love him, free to be with him, to enjoy him, to relish the moments and the kisses and the companionship and the love. i am free.

since the papers were filed he has been coming over and staying weekends with us and i can only describe it a bliss. sure we get in little arguments but mostly... its awesome. we are best friends and parents to the sweetest angel of a baby girl and we truly enjoy each others company. when we argue it is so mature and i tell him why im upset and then i get over it. there is no drama. we are both so laid back and easy going and honestly this is my definition of a perfect relationship!

OK..ill move on...

Yesterday Olivia and Billy and Luke came over and we all went swimming. Javier BBQ'd burgers and we had a very pleasant lunch and swim time. Arabella is so stinkin adorable. She loves the pool and just grunts and growls when shes happy with a big smile on her face! I got so fried!! But it was great. I need to just mention that my mom and olivia have always been with men who are assholes and they never want to do anything fun and when they do it is miserable because they are assholes. but javier is so nice and sweet and chill that he is so much fun to be with and i can tell my mom and sister love him and are jealous and i am so proud to be with such a great man!

i dreamt last night

that i had a baby boy. the doctor delivered him out of my stomach at home and i was asking, shouldnt he go to the hospital? and he told me no, hes perfectly healthy. So then i was at some sort of show with my mom and olivia and olivia was holding arabella and i was looking at her feeling so guilty for giving the new baby my attention and not her. so i traded babies with olivia.
i couldnt decide what to name him, i kept trying to choose between Diego, Mateo, and Marco...but then i finally named him Jeremiah.

i have been having some crazy dreams lately. i will have to start posting them here more often, maybe someone can interpret them for me.

uuugghhhhhhhh.....

i HATE being sick! my chest is all congested, it aches, and i cant stop coughing. Arabella is happier today; she has been really fussy the last 2 days but thank God thats passed! and the thing that really sucks is that i havent worked out since last thursday! i feel soooo fat and gross! oh well, it is what it is right?

its been a while!

Wow, its been a long time! I have been so busy. I love my new place. It is truly luxurious!! Javier painted - the living room is a beautiful sagey green, the kitchen is a deep golden yellow, my bedroom is a deep tan called "sauteed mushrooms" with one deep brick red wall. It is awesome! We still need to paint the hallway (a lighter tan) and the baby's room (lavendar). And the paint is a non toxic paint with no voc's! It is so nice being here, I love coming home. Arabella and I and sometimes Javier go for walks around the whole complex almost every day. It is lovely.

Work has been good. Not much more to say about that!

Javier has been coming around. Hes actually been a big help. He babysits if Arabella is sick or the babysitter cant. The last two weekends he has spent the whole weekend with it, it is sooo nice!! I love having him around.

So i started working out again. I got the FIRM transfirmer, it is like a stepper thing that comes with 3 workouts. it is awesome!! It totally kicks my ass. It prmises results within 10 workouts and i am 3/4 way there so we'll see! im not totally *unhappy* with my body but i could definitely look better in a bathing suit so that is my goal.

Anyways, no more time to write.
<3

nothing new

well days continue to pass in a blur..I cant believe March is here and my little girl is 4 months old! and next week time changes! this year is flying. everything is pretty much the same, still workin, and feedin, and sleep deprived!
today i went to my babysitter's sons birthday party at chucky cheese..that was fun. there were sooo many people there, it gave me a taste of what I will have to be doing in a few years. motherhood is so different! ive said it before and ill keep saying it forever, the baby always comes first. i am no longer elyse, i am arabella's mommy. maybe it'll change as she gets older - and i am definitely not complaining, i love my new title. it feels like a promotion ;-)
I am so not ready for monday to come. but im sure it will come anyway!
I keep daydreaming about my new apartment, I cant wait to move in!!! 2 more months! it seems like forever. Its been a while since ive anticipated something so much, besides my baby! I cant wait to have the walls all painted and i have picked out a new bed set and new curtains...yay! fun! all my hours spent watching HGTV are about to pay off. ha ha.

exhaustion

I am SOOOO TIRED!!! I have been feeling this way for a while (ok, mostly every day since Arabella was born) but even more so today and yesterday!! I dont know if I am getting sick, am malnourished, have some health problem (i read that new moms are very susceptible to thyroid issues), or if im about to start my period again! :-/ I hope not.

So I have started logging what I eat again on thedailyplate.com. It's quite a handy little tool. It tracks all your calories and breaks down carbs, fat, protein, etc etc. Plus it will tell you how many calories you should be eating and also has groups and forums to chat. I just joined 3 mom groups. I think this will help keep me on track and see what kind of nutrition Im really getting, maybe I'm so tired simply because I'm not eating enough or enough of the right stuff!

I'm writing about being all healthy tracking my food but dont be fooled, I am sitting here bloated and nauseas because I just stuffed my face with In N Out cheeseburger and fries! ha!

I am getting more and more prepared to move (no I havent started packing...of course! haha) But I have picked out my paint colors. My living room is going to be a pretty sage green (a little on the dark side), kitchen and dining are a dark tan, hallway is a lighter tan, Arabella's room is a pretty light turquoise, and my room will be RED!!!! yessss..
And I have been scoping out new bedding and curtains online. Wal Mart has some awesome prices!!! Gotta love that tax return just burning a little hole in my pocket!

Arabella is getting soooo big! (And even more beautiful!) She is already almost 4 months old and fitting into 6 month clothes!! My little chunk-a-munk is what i call her. She is starting to grab stuff and put to her mouth, smiling and talking A LOT...no big laughs yet though. I guess I do not amuse her, heh. I love my little cutie booty!!!

ramblings

This weekend was very busy and productive and went by way too fast! Yesterday morning I got my tires rotated and balanced and while i was waiting i walked over to salvation army and got Arabella like 20 outfits and 2 pairs of jeans for me all for the bargain price of $30!!!! I swear some of the stuff i got for her would have been like $15 each...and everything was in perfect condition! yeah!! then i babysat last night for my sister.
this morning i went to church with my mom, and then we went to target, trader joes, and to look at some other apartments (which are not as nice as the ones im moving into and also more expensive!) and now i am doing load after load of laundry!
Church today was really good and touched me in a way that it hasnt in a long time. He talked about one of the parables in Matthew where Jesus is basically telling the disciples to be responsible for the gifts they have been given by God, because one day they will have to account for it. And one of the main points was...live today with eternity in mind, because we never know when our time on earth will be gone. And that just really hit me. Because I really do believe in God and Jesus and the Bible and at one point i was following after Him so strongly and was a "good Christian", and then it all fell apart when I met and started dating Javier. And i know that if i were to die tonight, my heart would not be right...and Im not sure where I would go. And then I started thinking... why am i risking my eternity (not to mention my sanity in the here and now) on things that have no eternal consequence??? like javier , who will never choose me or be with me! or money, i stress about it, i lay awake at night about it! and hasnt God always taken care of me?! yes, He has!!
Anyways, i hope this clarity stays with me because it is so easy to get caught up in stupid every day stuff but if you really think about it, all we have is TODAY. all we have is this one minute we are in RIGHT NOW. 1 minute from now, 10 minutes, tomorrow or next week we could be GONE, standing face to face with the God of the Universe, and what will we have to say for ourselves? "well God, I'm sorry I didnt listen to you but i really thought i loved him" "im sorry i lied all those times but it seemed so important at the time" "im sorry i treated all these people so badly but i must have had a good reason" "im sorry i never paid attention to you but i was just so busy"...??? the list could go on and on. I believe one of the devil's strongest tools is to make us think of only the meaningless things in this world..vanity, pride, money, status, clothes, toys, houses, pettiness, sex...to keep us from thinking about what happens when all of that stuff is gone and we are dead. and i dont want to be tricked by him anymore. The Bible says God's mercies are new every morning and i hope and pray that tomorrow morning i wake up with His mercies on me and as a new woman who stops caring and wasting time on things that dont matter!
What matters is my baby girl, treating others with love and kindness, and being God's friend, and loving Him.

bah hum bug

I am risking getting on here at work just to say, VALENTINES DAY SUCKS!! I am boycotting. I am bitter and pissed and love sucks. haha

heres a poem i wrote yesterday

words can never express
the jumble of emotions inside
the depth of love, the height of joy
and the hurt that is miles wide

but words are all i have
to tell you how i really feel
and once they come tripping out
i might begin to heal

i am so very angry
its eating away at my skin
it knaws me on all levels of consciousness
and poisons my spirit within

on top of the anger is jealousy
and this is a torturous trait
at every thought of you i crumble
no one should envy this fate

but by far the worst is the pain
im crippled in its grip
turned my heart into a hardened stone
with a resident frown on my lips.
2.13.08

happy sunday

today was such a beautiful winter/springy-summery day in so cal. it was about 80 degrees outside, perfect blue sky...it just felt peaceful. everything was quiet, and oddly still. it felt like one long deep cleansing breath of a day.
also i felt very productive- i got my oil changed, played with arabella outside, did laundry and cleaned up a bit. i still have a sink full of dishes but im ok with it. haha.
tomorrow is another monday but i think im ready for it. the weeks keep flying by. and this friday is payday..woohoo!
did i mention my tax return?? i am SO excited, getting more money than i ever have!! and i am going to pay off some debts, save some, and use some for the big move in may. that should come in about 15 days cuz i filed online. gotta love it! oh, and heads up, you know that "free" money / tax credit they are giving out this year? you know the one where you get $600 if you are single and $1200 if married filing jointly plus $300 for each child? well, dont get too spend happy with it because it is basically a front on your next years return. yep, thats right, the tricky gov't is giving you 2009's return this year to "boost the economy" and next year you might end up owing. so be careful!

an old poem

most of my poems are so sad! oh well..

im so depressed
at the way my life has turned
the way youve treated me
has left a slow stinging burn
of betrayal ringing
so loudly in my ears
everything else is muffled
but that painful sounds so clear
my heart doesnt want to beat anymore
it would rather stop and cry
my eyes have given up that job
they just stare out sad and dry
im the fool of this tragic story
stupid girl left in shame
scarlet letter on my forehead
has become my only name
-sometime in september 07

the end.

I miss the way things used to be
Our words filled up the space so sweet
Made good love in eachothers arms
Baby I never meant you any harm

So precious were the times we spent
Couldn't imagine it any different
I was yours and you were my best friend
Lover I never thought I'd see the end

And then the days started getting dark
It became about more than our two hearts
There was so much suffering, so much pain
And you made a promise not to do it again

One plus one, and a baby made three
I needed you more than you needed me
I could never have imagined what it would do
To be torn apart and without you

I know you never wanted all this
We were just too absorbed in our lovers bliss
I forgive you and baby please forgive me
For causing you such pain and misery.
2.5.08

something to be proud of

as my friend mimi said, to love someone fully and to the bitter end is a great accomplishment...and i can honestly say i gave javier everything i had in me, and loved him completely until i could not walk another step. i am proud of myself for this. i am also proud i was finally able to recognize "enough" and let him go, something i never thought possible...

and the anger rolls in...

today i am much more angry than hurt.
i like angry better.

"If you are going through hell, keep going" - Winston Churchill

I found this on a blog I love to read and it is so appropriate for my life right now. In some ways things are looking up - i have a great new job and people i like to work with, and i have someone loving to take care of my baby.

Some things though continue to suck and cause pain and stress. My heart is still so broken and damaged and every day I realize how much my baby's daddy fucked me up. I mean, royally fucked me up. and financially, the bank has been making a fortune off me in overdraft fees. Oh the hatred I feel towards overdraft fees!!!

But good ole' Winston was kind enough to remind me just now that i just need to keep walking "toward the light" keep progressing, keep growing, make every day one day further away from my pain and heartache, and one day closer to being truly happy again.


On a really good note my lease at this apartment expires in April and I will be moving to these KICK ASS apartments that are brand new, right down the road. They were built to condo specifications and have BEAUTIFUL features such as granite countertops in kitchen and bathrooms, wood floor in kitchen, tile floors in bathrooms, and nice carpet everywhere else... 2 good sized rooms, 2 good sized bathrooms, a built in workstation in dining room with the same granite, a garage, and all new appliances included! ....brand new state of the art fitness room, a billiards room and media center with copy and fax machine and computers!! (in the leasing center) Sooo i am SUPER excited to move!!! I want it to be a fresh start! A new place with no memories of baby daddy... !! I am going to start packing now so everything will be done by then and hire movers with my tax return as i have no friends with trucks and not that many friends to help move in the first place. haha
yes yes yes yes yes yesssssss...


moving forward....
thinking about it makes me want to do a happy dance inside.

3 months!!!

Today is my little love's 3 month birthday!!! I cant believe it. It seems like just yesterday she was a week old and i was trying to figure all this crazy stuff out. Its amazing how you have this child, and you bring her home, and shes YOURS. and you are responsible for every need she has.

The first night i came home from the hospital I was terrified. I remember just sitting in the rocking chair holding her, looking at her, and i started crying. because i was so scared that i wouldnt know what to do and i was all alone and how was i going to take care of this little person who I LOVE SO MUCH ALREADY??? and then you just learn. you figure it out. every minute is a lesson. and sometimes it still is...and im know there will be millions more to learn.

I am so honored and priveliged to be Arabella's mommy. I am so thankful to have her in my life. She is so worth every tear I ever cried over her dad and trillions more!!! I would never ever dream of not having her. I love my perfect little chubby brown eyed girl!!!!

randomness

I miss my blog! Since starting my new job I feel like I have been in a whirlwind! Every day it is get up at 5am, work all day, come home, eat, shower, and get ready for the next day. It hasnt gotten old yet but Im sure i will start to feel burnt out soon. Im still in the honeymoon stage, haha.



Work is going good though. I really respect and like my boss and i think he likes me too (in a purely professional way of course!) He is giving me lots of projects that seem to show he has faith in me. Today I had meetings all day long with electrical subcontractors on a huge job coming up. Its funny because I feel like a little girl playing pretend...like I actually know what im doing. and then i realize i do. weird.



tomorrow I am going to a trade show about 70 miles away from the office...so i wont get to see my baby girl at lunch :-( but it will be fun to go out there and see whats going on.



Arabella has had an eye infection since sunday. it is all watery and goopy. i got her medicine and let me tell you, it is a bitch holding open her eye and trying to squeeze this stuff under her eyelid. !!! she suddenly turns into a worm in hot ashes...lol



I was starting to worry about her because she hasnt been smiling or talking a lot the last few days and seemed like she was having a hard time focusing on things...and then when i went to pick her up today she was smiling SO BIG and almost laughing and babbling so loud. i swear i fall more in love with her everyday. she IS my heart.



There are like 3 guys in my office who keep hitting on me. I swear i think i am giving off major doses of sex phermones or something because this one guy asks me out on the DAILY!! and the sick thing is...hes married!!! why the hell do all the married men want me? it is not fair, and it is really disrespectful if you think about it. not only to their wives but to me! there was a time when i wouldnt have thought twice of it...i never used to think it was that bad. but since ive been burned to a lump of charcoal i see things much more clearly. i am tired of men. i am tired of giving 100000% of myself to them all the time. the next guy who wants me is going to have to work his ass off to get me. and I know thats not really fair because relationships should be a two way street but i dont care. thats how i feel. i am not willing to put forth the effort and the risk and the vulnerability anymore. i hope i dont turn into one of those sad empty people who never let themselves love again. i just want someone to chase me for once.



anyways......

this week

Wow, its been a week since ive written on here. It feels like a long week that flew by, if that makes any sense.

Monday I started my new job. It has been pretty good so far.
The things I like are:
-everyone is really nice
-it is 10 minutes door to door from my house and my babysitters house!
- i get to work 7-4
-it is challenging, and i like a challenge
-my office mate danny is hilarious, he has a really sarcastic sense of humor and i found myself red faced and doubled over on my desk a few times this week.

Yay!

There is not really anything I dont like. The days have flown by, probably because everything i am doing is all brand new to me. I also pump breastmilk a few times during the day which makes me feel good, like i am still providing for my baby. and everyone is cool about it. i also go to the babysitters house at lunch time to visit my little love bug so that is a huge relief. it is the highlight of my days.

I am starting to feel like the confident, professional business woman i once was. I feel like I am learning everything pretty quickly and that my bosses are pleased with me. (always a good thing!)

It has been a little taxing doing the whole work AND mom thing. I still have to get up all night with Arabella and then bounce out of bed at 5am. I try to get everything ready the night before so I dont forget anything in my sleepy stupor in the mornings. I think ill get the hang of it one day soon here.

I found a great babysitter the NIGHT BEFORE my first day. I was freaking out wondering what I was going to do with my baby, my most prized possession, when my mom told me her friend and her daughter would watch her! Her friend's daughter's name is Tiffany and she lives with her mom like 2 minutes down the street from me. She has a 4 year old son and a daughter who was born 2 days after Arabella! She is so sweet and loving and is doing a great job taking care of Arabella. What a relief!! I feel totally comfortable leaving her there and knowing that she is being loved. The first 2 days she was pretty cranky and didnt want to eat much during the day, and when i would come at lunch she just cried and cried...and then would not remove her lips from my breasts all night long! lol But after that she seems to have adjusted and is eating her normal 10 oz (i know, little piggy!!!) during the time that I am gone. She doesnt seem to be emotionally scarred like I thought so I am extremely happy!! :) :)

However the weekend has flown by too fast and I am sad to have to leave her again tomorrow. :( Thank God for lunchtimes.

Financially, i am so fucked up right now. Because my disability stopped in December, I have had no money coming in since then. I get my first check next friday but it is only for one week. With it i somehow have to magically pay rent, electric and cable bills, 3 weeks of babysitting and also cover the massive overdrafts I have going on right now. Not fun. I would rather have $00000 than be $487 in the negative! And it will just get worse. But hopefully in a month or so I will be back on track.

I am too tired now to tell you about my love life so I will save that for the next entry. I'll try not to wait a week this time.

and the pictures of the week...

this picture makes me smile

she had a lot to say after her bath this morning....

rejection

the deepest sense of rejection is when your best friend, the person who knows you best, tells you they are choosing not to love you anymore. when the one who knows all your flaws and has experienced all that is best about you, is willing to let you go, to throw you away, there is no greater hurt. no bigger ache in your heart and the pit of your stomach. how do you recover from that?

grief

First, we must recognize that we are entitled to grieve and to grieve in our own way. Be aware of the common signs of grief and expect any combination of these symptoms. Initially, we may be unable to manage our regular responsibilities and it is often best to avoid making any major decisions or life changes until there is more emotional stability. There may be a desire to withdraw from social functions, but support from friends and family can be beneficial. Expression of thoughts and feelings can help move towards acceptance of the loss, whether this is verbal or written. No matter how strong we think we are, the grieving process cannot be avoided.

i think i am going to be boring and repetitive for a while. i have been on such an emotional rollercoaster. a few days ago javier told me there was a 90% chance he was getting divorced. of course, my hope soared. yesterday, he told me he was staying with his family. we had discussed it previously and had decided that he should not be a part of Arabella's life if that was the case. So when he told me yesterday, i was in shock (as i always am...why am i always so damn surprised at the same outcome??) and i told him goodbye for what i thought was forever. then last night he emails me and tells me that he cant let arabella go and WILL be a part of her life. (leaving me no room to say yes or no or whatever) first of all, i was already upset and hurt. but when i feel that someone is taking power away from me i get soooo frustrated and even more upset/anxious.

i could go on and on but basically, i feel like im in the deepest pit of despair. i am supposed to start a new job on monday and i am so anxious, do not feel ready, overall just a mess. i am worried that all the stress is going to deplete my breastmilk. i wish i could run away and hide under a rock for a while. but i have to work, i have no choice. no matter how much i try to pep talk myself and tell myself it is all for the best, i still feel like crying every second. i am chicken little, and the sky is falling.

shattered

my dreams are shattered along with my heart
consciousness tears my emotions apart
this abandonment of love feels like a death
and yet i begrudgingly realize its best

we agreed we were soulmates for such a long time
now i walk through my days pretending im fine
maybe ill trick myself into believing it one day
and find a good man who will actually stay

ill never forget these three fateful years
ill always remember the love and the tears
youll always be here, baby daddy and friend
in my heart and soul youll remain till the end.
1.14.08

i know it sounds like i have forgiven him, but i havent. i just realize now that we will always be in each other's lives whether i like it or not. and you cant be best friends with someone and share everything with them for so long and then just...not. but it is still over. it will always be over from now on. no matter how long it takes to stop loving him.

should i get a restraining order against sharon to prevent her from emailing and harrassing me? or do you think it would just make the future that much harder? some advice please...i only have til friday to file.

ugly

there is so much ugliness in my heart, its rediculous. i am embarrassed to even write these words because i know so many people are now reading them. but i guess i did not start this blog to impress anyone and i already know i am not going to win the 'best human being' award in this lifetime.
this is the raw, unabashed truth of me.

#1- i hate a woman who i have no right to hate. i infringed on her life, her territory, her man. no matter what excuse i give (he was seperated, he came after me, we fell in love) it is not good enough. and when i say hate, i mean it. its not like some 6th grader who fights with her best friend and screams "i hate you!!!" passionately. this hatred i have is a burning, seething hateful anger that when i think about her or have to talk to her my body actually reacts. i start having cold sweats, cant stop shivering, and my stomach gets tied up in knots. i have never before wished harm on another human being as i have on her this past year.

why do i hate her? my best guess is that she has what i have wanted more than anything else. besides the fact that she insults me and my child daily (and honestly, who wouldnt in her situation?) and harrasses me all the time. this is what i think of her. she is a selfish bitch. she is rude, and cold, and thinks she rules the planet. she bullies me, and as usual, i am helpless to stand up for myself. (see childhood full of being the victim) she is condescending, bi polar, and quite literally crazy.

#2 - for the past 3.5 yrs ive been a mess of jealousy. whenever i think of them together i feel like the jealousy is eating my flesh. it may seem i am being quite dramatic and i even think so too, but i cant think of a better way to describe these emotions. to imagine someone else touching him, kissing him, making him laugh, talking to him about stupid every day shit... makes me want to cry and break things all at once.

#3 - my deep sense of rejection. i know i am the one that is the outsider. i realize this in the rational part of my brain. but if he loved me as much as he swore (and most of the time acted) why didnt he choose me? why wasnt he with me? especially when i needed him the most. why? why wasnt i good enough? why was she better? why wasnt i worth it? the sad thing is i have asked myself these questions on and off throughout my life. do i choose to come into these situations just to torture myself? am i hoping for a different outcome? or do i put myself in impossible scenarios to keep reinforcing my insecurities?

#4 - i realize all the pain i have caused and i cant forgive myself. in fact, realizing what i did to her makes me hate her more. what kind of logic is that? i am reading a single parenting book and it is focusing mostly on failed marriages where (surprise!) the husband has left the wife for a younger woman. it makes me sick to my stomach. i am reading it thinking that these must be the things that she felt / is feeling as a result of his mistake. why dont i feel bad for her? why, instead, does it make me more angry? i cant forgive myself.

#5 - i cant forgive him either. i hate him for letting me go. i hate the thought that hes probably just relieved that i am gone because it makes his life that much less complicated. i hate the thought that one day he will realize i was just a huge mistake and what the hell was he thinking. i hate that i will be nothing more to him and everyone he knows than just the whore, the mistress, the almost homewrecker. i hate that my child is associated with that. i hate that i have to continue seeing and dealing with him because of her. i hate that i will never be able to live down my mistakes. i hate that i am sitting here crying over the wasted years and endless hurt to me and everyone else. and the thought that keeps springing to my mind is that i wasnt good enough and i could never be. i could never compete with what was already there.

my heart must look like a lump of charcoal by now.

i hope no one reads this. i wish this journal had a feature that could keep certain entries private. but, now you know how truly ugly i am.

"through with you" - maroon 5

Can you see me
Floating above your head
As you lay in bed
Thinking about everything
That you did not do
Cause saying I love you
Has nothing to do with meaning it

And I don't trust you
Cause every time you're here
Your intentions are unclear
I spend every hour waiting for a phone call
That I know will never come
I used to think you were the one
Now I'm sick of thinking anything at all

You ain't ever coming back to me
That's not how things were supposed to be
You take my hand just to give it back
No other lover has ever done that

Do you remember
The way we used to melt
Do you remember how it felt
When I touched you
Oh cause I remember very well

And how long has it been
Since someone you let in
Has given what I gave to you

And at night when you sleep
Do you dream I would be there
Just for a minute or two do you?

You ain't ever coming back to me
That's not how things were supposed to be
You take my hand just to give it back
No other lover has ever done that

Heartache heartache I just have so much
A simple love with a complex touch
There is nothing you can say or do
I called to let you know I'm through with you

"it really makes me wonder"

i am starting to wonder what the last 3 1/2 years of my life were worth - if spent with a man who doesnt have the decency to miss me now that i am gone.

i gave up EVERYTHING for him. i lied to the people i cared about, i risked my job, lost a good friendship, and ultimately gave up my deserved years of youth to be with him. i forfeited my self esteem, self worth, and time to love him. i rearranged my life to be available when he was; i lived for those times and moments that he could spend with me, and cried when he left or could not be there when i needed him. i reduced myself to a SECRET, our love only able to exist in the dark, in the quiet, where no one could know. and if they did find out, i suddenly became of least importance. do you know what that does to a girl's heart?

when i told him i was pregnant - in february of 2007, he said he decided that life with me was not what he wanted. and then throughout the rest of year he proceeded to go back and forth on what he wanted...all the while i am 22 and pregnant and just trying to survive. i can easily say 2007 was the hardest year of my life because of that man.

i knew all this as i chose to continue loving him, of course. i thought i couldnt live without him. and when we were together it was not bad, it was magical. i have never had that kind of connection with anyone. we could talk about anything, laugh about everything. he cared about what i had to say, he participated in things that were important to me. i influenced him because i was passionate about things. we had the best sex life i imagine i will ever have (but sincerely hope not). he was affectionate and kind, would do anything i asked. he overlooked my flaws. and i didnt think he had any. we worked together, played together, had the BEST TIMES together. we were two fucking peas in a pod. i chose to be there. i chose to stay and take all the immeasurable bad with the meager good i could get.

why? i have no clue. maybe because i never had a dad and am starved for the love of a man. maybe just because of how good it was, how much i LOVED HIM SO DESPERATELY. how we fit together like the very God of the universe made us for each other and there was some huge cosmic mistake of him not being mine first.

but he was never mine. he told me he would be one day, and i held on to that hope like a life vest in the middle of a raging sea. he told me if he ever got me pregnant (which he did consciously and without my consent, by the way) that he would be there with me, we would be a family. but hes not here, we are not a family. i am just a broken woman who is alone, without the man she gave up heart, soul, mind, body, blood, sweat, and an ocean of tears for. i will never be the same. my life will never never be what it could have (and probably should have) been.

and after all that he doesnt care.

despite all that is worthless though, he gave me one thing that is worth more than diamonds and gold and all the money in the world, and she is a gift i would never, could never return...

RIP

rest in peace my true love

i dont know what to say

i miss my lover. i miss my best friend. i miss the man who made me a mommy.

and yet here i am without him, its only been 2 days. but it feels like a million.

i look at my phone every five minutes hoping he will call, though i dont know what id say. if i told him how much i love and miss him it would make it worse, yet not to tell him would be a lie.

i cant believe he hasnt called. i want to know he is in pain too. why wont he give me that small satisfaction?

i have to meet up with him and the bitch next week so he can see the baby. ive never dreaded anything more in my life. im afraid the second i see him i will dissolve into a puddle of tears and snot and incoherent words at his feet.

this may be the hardest thing ive ever tried, getting over him.

love like a virus

i broke up with j today. i guess he knew it was coming, or didnt care, or never loved me as much as he said he did because he took it like i was asking him what kind of toilet paper he wanted to wipe his ass with.

i was angry but now my body hurts, it is so tired, i feel like ive been hit with the flu bug. all from a broken heart. who knew.

i thought he would call or email but he hasnt. how could i have been such a fool?

what is this im feeling..?

tonight as i was rocking my baby girl to sleep, i got this very strong feeling of foreboding. but i think thats the wrong word. maybe a better one would be expectation. yes.

lately i have been pretty negative and down on life... i guess i have felt trapped and like my life really had no where to go, or at least no where exciting. all i could see ahead of me was struggle. struggle to raise my child well in a home where she only has me, a struggle to pay the bills, to educate myself, to follow my dreams, to be alone. it has been a hard reality for me to accept.

but sitting in the rocking chair tonight i felt so *positive*, such a sense of wonder at the unknown. most of the time not knowing is a scary thing for me but i am seeing it in a whole new way....i have a future to create. i can do anything, and be anyone i want. yes it may be difficult but it is still mine for the taking! i am so excited to see what will happen and who i will be 2 years, 5 years, 10 years from now.

this poem is kinda corny and simplistic, but i wrote it so ill post it:
'hard times'
be thankful for the darkness
after it, morning is so bright
and celebrate the rain
for getting dry then feels so right

be peaceful through the tears
let just one kiss bring a smile
live contentedly through hard years
and see your growth all the while

its okay to wear a frown
yes, life can be so hard
but just dont let it get you down
and because of it, youll go far.
1.5.08

to my baby daddy

'fear'
im afraid of missing your smile
terrified to lose your heart
im so scared ill never be able
to get over you and not fall apart

what if there is never a man
to make my heart pound like you
how could i ever settle for less
the thought makes me come unglued

you tell me to stay positive
"be sweet and patient my dear"
i dont think all the patience will help me
your actions will never be clear

what can i do to persuade you?
why wont you give this family a try?
how do i begin to move on
as i feel my heart slowly die?


'unconditionally'
even when i am mad, i love you
although you make me sad, baby its still true
i love you for all the things you are, not what you say and do
and when i think of losing that love it only makes me blue

nothing can ever change it, this heart of mine is yours
time will not erase it, no matter what it has in store
from my mouth and through my words this love will always pour
and with our baby joining us ill only love you more

its a simple poem but my words are so sincere
i mean them with every kiss, every touch, and every tear
its only been 3 so far but ill love you the rest of my years
your heart will always have a place to rest in my love here.
10.26.07

'want to'
i want to be your shelter from the storm
the warm and cozy place your precious heart calls home
i want to be your one and only, not one of the some
to shine upon your sweet face like the bright rays of the sun

i want to show you true love every single day
and make you so damn happy i take your breath away
to be the woman who eases your troubles and makes it all ok
and your friend to laugh with through endless hours of play

i want to be your lover and beautiful sex goddess
to be naked with you always and never have to be modest
to share all of our secrets and be completely honest
to love you forever...ill do this anyways, i promise

another baby poem i found

i found a bunch of poems in my phone! here is another one i wrote for my little mama before she was born

its a miracle of life
that you grow inside
such special moments
when you kick me as you hide
i cant wait to see your face
to count your precious toes
im going to kiss you all over the place
and touch your little nose
i cant believe that you are mine
and i grew you from the start
nothing much will matter now
youve stolen mommy's heart
i love you baby, i always will
youre my little love child
you will always light up my world
and be the reason for my smile

beauty in two poems

i love this poem by maya anglelou...and then i was watching beauty shop with queen latifah and i got inspired to write my own "phenomenal woman" poem. so here are my definitions of beauty:

PHENOMENAL WOMAN
by Maya Angelou

Pretty women wonder where my secret lies
I'm not cute or built to suit a model's fashion size
But when I start to tell them
They think I'm telling lies.
I say
It's in the reach of my arms
The span of my hips
The stride of my steps
The curl of my lips.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally
Phenomenal woman
That's me.

I walk into a room
Just as cool as you please
And to a man
The fellows stand or
Fall down on their knees
Then they swarm around me
A hive of honey bees.
I say
It's the fire in my eyes
And the flash of my teeth
The swing of my waist
And the joy in my feet.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally
Phenomenal woman
That's me.

Men themselves have wondered
What they see in me
They try so much
But they can't touch
My inner mystery.
When I try to show them
They say they still can't see.
I say
It's in the arch of my back
The sun of my smile
The ride of my breasts
The grace of my style.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally
Phenomenal woman
That's me.

Now you understand
Just why my head's not bowed
I don't shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud
When you see me passing
It ought to make you proud.
I say
It's in the click of my heels
The bend of my hair
The palm of my hand
The need for my care.
'Cause I'm a woman
Phenomenally
Phenomenal woman
That's me.

and heres mine (certainly no maya, but i like it!)

Not ashamed of my hips
or the bounce in my walk
love the pout of my lips
and the tone of my talk

no confidence? rediculous
look good in my jeans
yes im so bootylicious
if you know what i mean

curvy and thick
skin milky and fair
no im not a skinny stick
and i love every last hair

'beautiful' is so many things
beyonce and queen latifah are two
i am a princess, a hot sexy girl
and guess what, so are you!
-1.4.08

funny girls

i have been reading so many other blogs that i have found which are hilarious. i wish i could write the way these women do and before i share these links and you all realize what a total dud i am, i would like to apologize for being so damn sad and boring most of the time!!

some of my favorites (besides all of you dear hearts who comment and who i <3)
emeryjo.blogspot.com
brainyjane22.wordpress.com
wilddreemer.blogspot.com

i am a sucker for punishment and i will tell you why. my lover came over today and every time i am near him i turn into a pile of lovesick goo. i cant be mad at him and cant help but to hug him back, kiss him back, and generally have a really good freakin time. i love to watch him with our baby. i feel so proud to have created something he loves so much.

now i need to go make my dinner before i waste this precious time while my baby love is sleeping!!

cure for the common blues

well if you cant get stupid drunk or high as a kite like some people do (and boy do i wish i was some people every now and then!!) i recommend the following steps to start feeling like a happy person again, if only for a while:

Step 1 - go to www.youtube.com
Step 2 - watch as many videos as you can of tom papa and henry phillips...soooo hilarious
Step 3 - eat lots and lots of chocolate and dont give a shit that you may need to buy new jeans next week
Step 4 - dance around to your favorite music (which may help with the jeans thing) make sure to flail your limbs as much as possible and do things so rediculous you start to crack yourself up
Step 5 - start a countdown to when you can get really really drunk again

YES!!! i am in a good mood.

looked for more jobs today. i actually got a call for one i applied for yesterday (they sound desperate) BUT there are a few things which suck. A. they dont want to pay me what i want and deserve B. i think i might be slightly underqualified C. its the most boring job i applied for. D. it means my baby will have to be in full time child care therefore costing about 600-800 more per month (who knew!!!)

BUT i need money and i cant be picky. hopefully ill get offered a better job between now and then!

job searchers r us

i have spent all day creating a new, updated resume and trying to find jobs. hours of internet search produced 5 relevant jobs which i applied for. this sucks!

i also need to start looking for child care in the off chance i do get a job...i was supposed to stay home 3 days a week with her and am bummed she will probably have to go to child care full time :( im gonna miss my baby so much!! i have never been away from her for more than 15 minutes. i guess im afraid that she will freak out and cry all day, that would just break my heart :*(

i also need to decide whether or not to immunize her. she is 2 months old and its now or never. i am so conflicted! if i do, i am injecting poison and disease into her perfect little body. it seems WRONG. and i know several people who did not immunize their kids and they are fine. but if i dont do it and she gets whooping cough or something (which can be fatal) how could i forgive myself for that??
so many decisions as a parent...

javier hasnt called or emailed today, not once. which is soooo unusual for him, he usually at least emails me a couple times. boo. i had all these crazy dreams about him last night and i dont remember the specifics but the main theme was that i was so f**ing pissed at him! i woke up fuming mad a couple times. i guess this is my subconscious' way of dealing with my anger towards him since i never express it in my waking hours.

rent is due. im fucked. after this i have no more money coming in.
going to go make some chicken and asparagus for dinner.
im boring today, this post is so blah...but sometimes life is just mundane.

i cannot stay away from this blog tonight

so many things to say, no one to say them to. i may have a million posts by midnight.

okay, i love my mom to death. but i look at her and see the beaten down fragments of the woman she once was. she has been, for most of her life, a single mom to one, then two, then three kids. men just shit all over her time and time again. (i will not even try to speculate as to whether or not this was her fault). the point is, i dont want to become like that. i dont want to completely lose my identity in a war of me versus everyday life, stress, the pressure to be mommy and daddy and provider and counselor and friend, aka A SINGLE MOM. i dont want to be in my 50's and be bitter and broken about the shitty cards my life has dealt me. i dont want to end up married to an asshole because maybe thats the only person who will stick around.

and i always thought that this would never be my life. how could it be? i have PLANS. i have DREAMS. this is not supposed to be my fate. but then i think, shit happens. more specifically, life happens. days pass and then months and then years and sometimes your PLANS and DREAMS never come to fruition. who knows what plans and dreams my mom had for her life??? i would be willing to bet they werent what she ended up with.

my point is, what if there is no happily ever after?

carolina - adam green

love this song. love it. love it.

Carolina, she's from Texas
Red bricks drop from her vagina
Oh, her lips taste just like sunk ships
But her breasts taste just like breakfast
There's her hand now on the cock sock
Filled with white tears from the thrift store
She's an eyesore in her red dress
I'm the ghost of her deceased when she said

Give us back our lives
Leave him, Carolina
Everything's just fine
Refill my prescription
Until next time
I get so lost inside the rooms inside my mind

California presidente
Cogi mucho estoy cansado
Dostoevsky, Fab Moretti
Antiseptic, complimentary
There's her hand now on the cock sock
Filled with white tears from the thrift store
She's an eyesore in her red dress
I'm the ghost of her deceased when she said

Give us back our lives
Leave him, Carolina
Everything's just fine
Refill my prescription
Until next time
I get so lost inside the rooms inside my mind

Goodnight Sweetheart
Flying high on birth control
She knows the pregnancy will show
That she smells nice when you look twice
Who's your boyfriend, Carolina?
And it's goodnight sweetheart
Flying high on birth control
She knows the rejections in her bones

Carolina, she's from Texas
Red bricks drop from her vagina
Carolina
Carolina
Carolina

i feel funny...

...i have this indescribable weird/funny/bad/not so bad feeling in the pit of my stomach. i think it a combination of reading rebecca woolf's blog on babble.com (realizing that as she said so eloquently, i am the adult now, the parent, the one to take care of and nurture; not the child, or the one who is taken care of...there is no one now but me),

listening to third eye blind as i think of the state my poor heart is in "When I came to visit you, That's when I knew, That I could never have you, I knew that before you did, Still I'm the one who's stupid, And there's this burning, Like there's always been, I've never been so alone, And I've never been so alive."

and then theres the fact that i really have no paying job, my stupid construction company ive been working for has no jobs, no bids for me to do, and no money to pay me with, and i have been complacently wandering around this tiny apartment for 2 months before realizing this, breaking out into cold sweats daily, and going 'oh SHIT! how am i supposed to take care of myself? HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO TAKE CARE OF MY BABY??? fuck fuck fuck' my baby's father is not helpful in this situation as he works for the same damn worthless company and also has no money. we're a bunch of winners, yes?

it is all on me now, friends. ALL ON ME. DO SOMETHING!!!!