there is so much ugliness in my heart, its rediculous. i am embarrassed to even write these words because i know so many people are now reading them. but i guess i did not start this blog to impress anyone and i already know i am not going to win the 'best human being' award in this lifetime.
this is the raw, unabashed truth of me.
#1- i hate a woman who i have no right to hate. i infringed on her life, her territory, her man. no matter what excuse i give (he was seperated, he came after me, we fell in love) it is not good enough. and when i say hate, i mean it. its not like some 6th grader who fights with her best friend and screams "i hate you!!!" passionately. this hatred i have is a burning, seething hateful anger that when i think about her or have to talk to her my body actually reacts. i start having cold sweats, cant stop shivering, and my stomach gets tied up in knots. i have never before wished harm on another human being as i have on her this past year.
why do i hate her? my best guess is that she has what i have wanted more than anything else. besides the fact that she insults me and my child daily (and honestly, who wouldnt in her situation?) and harrasses me all the time. this is what i think of her. she is a selfish bitch. she is rude, and cold, and thinks she rules the planet. she bullies me, and as usual, i am helpless to stand up for myself. (see childhood full of being the victim) she is condescending, bi polar, and quite literally crazy.
#2 - for the past 3.5 yrs ive been a mess of jealousy. whenever i think of them together i feel like the jealousy is eating my flesh. it may seem i am being quite dramatic and i even think so too, but i cant think of a better way to describe these emotions. to imagine someone else touching him, kissing him, making him laugh, talking to him about stupid every day shit... makes me want to cry and break things all at once.
#3 - my deep sense of rejection. i know i am the one that is the outsider. i realize this in the rational part of my brain. but if he loved me as much as he swore (and most of the time acted) why didnt he choose me? why wasnt he with me? especially when i needed him the most. why? why wasnt i good enough? why was she better? why wasnt i worth it? the sad thing is i have asked myself these questions on and off throughout my life. do i choose to come into these situations just to torture myself? am i hoping for a different outcome? or do i put myself in impossible scenarios to keep reinforcing my insecurities?
#4 - i realize all the pain i have caused and i cant forgive myself. in fact, realizing what i did to her makes me hate her more. what kind of logic is that? i am reading a single parenting book and it is focusing mostly on failed marriages where (surprise!) the husband has left the wife for a younger woman. it makes me sick to my stomach. i am reading it thinking that these must be the things that she felt / is feeling as a result of his mistake. why dont i feel bad for her? why, instead, does it make me more angry? i cant forgive myself.
#5 - i cant forgive him either. i hate him for letting me go. i hate the thought that hes probably just relieved that i am gone because it makes his life that much less complicated. i hate the thought that one day he will realize i was just a huge mistake and what the hell was he thinking. i hate that i will be nothing more to him and everyone he knows than just the whore, the mistress, the almost homewrecker. i hate that my child is associated with that. i hate that i have to continue seeing and dealing with him because of her. i hate that i will never be able to live down my mistakes. i hate that i am sitting here crying over the wasted years and endless hurt to me and everyone else. and the thought that keeps springing to my mind is that i wasnt good enough and i could never be. i could never compete with what was already there.
my heart must look like a lump of charcoal by now.
i hope no one reads this. i wish this journal had a feature that could keep certain entries private. but, now you know how truly ugly i am.
Sunday, January 13, 2008
ugly
Posted by Baby*Mama*Elyse at 8:06 PM
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3 love notes:
I wish you so much luck. I don't know you or much about your situation, but it seems that he fully took advantage of you and is not a very good person. You, on the other hand, seem to have a lot to offer the world and your daughter. I am sending you good vibes that you can start taking control of your life and building it up the way you want it to be, so you can do better than the hand of cards dealt to you. Now is the time to start getting the things in life that you want for yourself and your little girl. I wish you all the luck in the world!
I've been where you are but without the child. I was the other woman and when I finally realized he was never going to leave her I moved to the other side of the country to get away from him and her. She's just as crazy as yours sounds. And you're not ugly, not even a little bit. But I'm with you in all the pain, sister. He's going to realize that he had a real opportunity at happiness with you and he spent his life with crazy instead. I promise you.
my dear, there is nothing whatsoever ugly about you.
i will swear on everything that YOU will be the one to wonder, what the hell was I doing?
You got the gift out of it. He got some loon.
My ex has been dating some younger girl for quite a few months as well. i know the feeling of thinking about him being with her, even just watching a movie makes my skin crawl.
she's probably a great person, but i don't like her!
we are silly jealous creatures, us women.
fact is, these men simply aren't worth it.
if he could let you go, and that beautiful baby of yours, he's a bad man.
he never deserved you!
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