oh the madness

It's Saturday!! Yeah!
I just weighed myself and I am 154.2!!!! I didnt think I was going to lose 2 lbs this week but I did!! WOOOOHOOOOOO!!!! I love my new heart rate monitor I just bought. It totally makes me work out harder and I get to see exactly how many calories I am burning. I just need to stay in the "zone" more...I kept going over my THR.

So I got an email from my professor for my first class at school. She sent us the syllabus and some other stuff. I already have an assignment due and class hasnt even started yet! :- I have to write a paper on three different achievements throughout my life. Of course we are going to share it with 5 people in the class so I cant make it too cheesy. I got most of it done last night. But there is also TONS of reading I have to do, not to mention all this other little bullshit. Im thinking...oh shit, what have I gotten myself into? How am I supposed to do all this, take care of my baby, work, and work out all at the same time??? And i kinda started having an anxiety attack. But I just need to be SUPER organized, have my whole week planned out, and do everything on the weekends and at night when Arabella goes to sleep. Who ever said it would be easy right? Oh, and not only do I go to class one night a week, but am expected to meet with my learning team (other students) once a week for 5 hours!! Thats gonna be tough. Yikes.

So, I am not doing much this weekend. Nothing fun to do when you are totally ASS BROKE. I mean I have NO money. That is another major stressor right now. But what am i supposed to do? So i just try not to think about it. Arabella and I are going to hang out at home, go for walks, watch movies, the usual. Javi is coming over too, and will probably spend the night tonight.

Anyways, I need to go make some coffee!

and then it goes flat

So I am starting to be more and more afraid that my relationship with javier has fizzled. I guess everything on my side is still the same but he is so different. We used to be so in love. I felt it every time I was with him, we were soo in sync, so tuned in to eachother. And it wasnt just the honeymoon stage because it was like that for the better part of three years. Then slowly it just started to melt down.

He used to be soo sweet with me.I used to feel the electricity. I used to know FOR SURE that I was the one he loved and wanted to be with.

Now we bicker a lot. I get on his nerves. He gets on mine (although I dont show it). It feels more like friendship than the great love. I truly feel as though he is only there for Arabella (and while that makes me happy for her sake it makes me feel shitty as a woman)

I dont know. I know he is going through a hard time and maybe this is all just a result of that. And I know he is tired of talking about relationships, so I cant tell him how I feel.

So...I dont know. I feel sad, disappointed, a little empty. Maybe its because I know hes not fully committed to me yet. He doesnt live with me, we arent married. He could split at any time. uugghhhh

All you married women, women who have been in long term relationships...is it the same for you? Or do you always know for sure that your man is in love with you and you are meant for each other?

teacher, teacher!

I am going back to school!!! I am so excited. I had started University of Phoenix online about a year before I got pregnant and when I found I was prego I quit. I had completed 24 credits. So now I am going back in the on campus program. I will go one night a week, Mondays, from 6-10pm. Each class is completed in 5 weeks. That way I will be done in a year and a half. I am majoring in human services, and my enrollment counselor was telling me about all the jobs I could get as a counselor (making pretty good money!) with just a BA! And the coolest part is I can get a job in that field with only 60 credits!

So while I am excited I am also scared and anxious..it will be a lot of work and I have to make sure I have someone to watch Arabella...plus I dont know how well she is going to do in her nightly routine without me there. :-( Ideally Javier will come and watch her but who knows! I am just proud of myself for continuing to work hard and really stoked at the potential career change that will happen in 1.5 years! I have always wanted to be a counselor!

So, yayyy me!!

the "days"

well, now I know why i have been such a mental case the last week. I got a visit from "aunt flo" this morning! along with a sore belly and lower back.. :( yuck. javier calls it the "days" ha!

So yesterday after my extremely melodramatic post about him being critical i was super moody and spilled my guts to him telling him how I felt and he apologized and called himself a jerk. the rest of our day was good. its just DIFFERENT when you are around someone all the time. especially when they (or you) are going through hard times and are under a cloud a lot. you really get to see the good, the bad, and the ugly. it is a real relationship. luckily we both get over things pretty easily.

so this weekend was good overall. we went swimming yesterday and arabella had fun. oh and she is getting a tooth!!! my baby's first tooth!!! it is the lower left. my little ladybug is growing up so fast!

and...i lost 2 lbs!! I have been tracking all my calories on thedailyplate.com for a while now and I recently started calorie cycling. which is where you eat the same amount of cals every week but different amounts each day so that your body doesnt get used to one specific amount and keeps your metabolism burning. And its working!! 2 lbs!! yeahhhhh...

sooo i need to go work out even though i am exhausted. im sure i will feel better when im done.

the critic

sometimes my boyfriend is so critical. he never used to be this way. you know, when youre just the mistress, only seen at your best, when you feel fun, sexy, flirty and desired, there is nothing much to criticize.
now we've been together for 4 years, with a brand new baby, and he is finally getting to know me. the real me. the messy, moody, emotional, defensive, scared, slightly-uncomfortable-in-her-own-skin me. and i dont know how much he likes it. he finds my anxiety and quiet moodiness (always provoked by him) to be unnattractive. then i retort with some smart, hurt little girl comment and he just doesnt get it. he doesnt understand my feelings, or even try to. he expects me to be the fantasy goddess, the sexual, confident, powerful woman he once knew.
i have always known and loved him for exactly what he was. maybe it was because he treated me so damn good. maybe i was just naive. i never ask him to change, or be something hes not. when hes moody, or pissed off, or quiet and thoughtful i try to put myself in his shoes; be empathetic. why doesnt he return the favor? why, instead of criticizing, doesnt he seek to understand me?

and so the outcome of our stupid little fights is that i always swallow my feelings and apologize, feeling slightly guilty for inconveniencing him with my heart. i know it shouldnt be this way. yet i cant ask him to change and even if i could, he wouldnt. he was in love with an illusion and the reality is a disappointment.

so much shouting, so much laughter

where to begin...i was putting off writing it down in here because I was afraid to believe it was true.

JAVIER IS GETTING DIVORCED!!!!!!!!!! finally, finally, finally..

I know that many people who see this will see me as a homewrecker and a slew of other bad names. but no one knows the situation. so relax. he has been seperated for a LONG time. now it has finally become official. i am free to love him, free to be with him, to enjoy him, to relish the moments and the kisses and the companionship and the love. i am free.

since the papers were filed he has been coming over and staying weekends with us and i can only describe it a bliss. sure we get in little arguments but mostly... its awesome. we are best friends and parents to the sweetest angel of a baby girl and we truly enjoy each others company. when we argue it is so mature and i tell him why im upset and then i get over it. there is no drama. we are both so laid back and easy going and honestly this is my definition of a perfect relationship!

OK..ill move on...

Yesterday Olivia and Billy and Luke came over and we all went swimming. Javier BBQ'd burgers and we had a very pleasant lunch and swim time. Arabella is so stinkin adorable. She loves the pool and just grunts and growls when shes happy with a big smile on her face! I got so fried!! But it was great. I need to just mention that my mom and olivia have always been with men who are assholes and they never want to do anything fun and when they do it is miserable because they are assholes. but javier is so nice and sweet and chill that he is so much fun to be with and i can tell my mom and sister love him and are jealous and i am so proud to be with such a great man!

i dreamt last night

that i had a baby boy. the doctor delivered him out of my stomach at home and i was asking, shouldnt he go to the hospital? and he told me no, hes perfectly healthy. So then i was at some sort of show with my mom and olivia and olivia was holding arabella and i was looking at her feeling so guilty for giving the new baby my attention and not her. so i traded babies with olivia.
i couldnt decide what to name him, i kept trying to choose between Diego, Mateo, and Marco...but then i finally named him Jeremiah.

i have been having some crazy dreams lately. i will have to start posting them here more often, maybe someone can interpret them for me.

uuugghhhhhhhh.....

i HATE being sick! my chest is all congested, it aches, and i cant stop coughing. Arabella is happier today; she has been really fussy the last 2 days but thank God thats passed! and the thing that really sucks is that i havent worked out since last thursday! i feel soooo fat and gross! oh well, it is what it is right?

its been a while!

Wow, its been a long time! I have been so busy. I love my new place. It is truly luxurious!! Javier painted - the living room is a beautiful sagey green, the kitchen is a deep golden yellow, my bedroom is a deep tan called "sauteed mushrooms" with one deep brick red wall. It is awesome! We still need to paint the hallway (a lighter tan) and the baby's room (lavendar). And the paint is a non toxic paint with no voc's! It is so nice being here, I love coming home. Arabella and I and sometimes Javier go for walks around the whole complex almost every day. It is lovely.

Work has been good. Not much more to say about that!

Javier has been coming around. Hes actually been a big help. He babysits if Arabella is sick or the babysitter cant. The last two weekends he has spent the whole weekend with it, it is sooo nice!! I love having him around.

So i started working out again. I got the FIRM transfirmer, it is like a stepper thing that comes with 3 workouts. it is awesome!! It totally kicks my ass. It prmises results within 10 workouts and i am 3/4 way there so we'll see! im not totally *unhappy* with my body but i could definitely look better in a bathing suit so that is my goal.

Anyways, no more time to write.
<3