heartbreak

i always thought of broken hearts so cavalierly. like they were no big deal, definitely something i could handle. or maybe i just envisioned it being as romantic as in the movies; someone gets heartbroken and 1 or 2 hours later it is all resolved. they get over it, or even better, get back together with the person who broke their heart and all of a sudden everything is good again.

in reality i now understand a broken heart is the worst kind of torture. it is slow, unending, oppresive...a big wet heavy blanket that is impossible to free yourself of. it constantly nags at your brain like the most depressing song you keep humming because its stuck in your head. and then when you have just one moment of peace and happiness, it sneaks up on you and punches you in the stomach to remind you its still there. it doesnt get resolved in hours, days, weeks, or months. it haunts. it deprives. it remembers.

this is a lesson i wish i had never learned. a consequence far worse than the ones i begged God not to let happen. i used to pray that emotional pain would be the worst thing id have to suffer, rather than public humiliation or other things i thought were so horrifying at the time. and it turns out He gave me what i asked for. i just had no idea what it was. and there is no way to get out of it now. we could be together or apart and it would be the same.

no resolution

it is new years eve and i am sitting here with an adorably cranky baby on my lap.

i have no resolutions this year; i feel too disengaged to think about exercising my will.

i think i might be coming close to the end of us. life keeps getting in the way of my delusions. which i guess is better than the other way around.

i want...

who is out there for me? which one of you is mine? i have everything i could possibly want in a man, but he belongs to someone else. what kind of cruel twist of fate is this? and to complicate matters more, i went and had a baby with him!

i want someone of my own, who i love and adore equally as much, but i fear it is not possible. i want someone to go to bed with every night, and wake up with every morning. someone to talk to throughout the day, laugh with, make love with, raise children with, be happy with. but i want it to be javier. why why WHY cant i have him? i feel like i should just be able to MAKE him be with me, because i want it so much it should just BE. it is so frustrating not to be able to have what i want so desperately; the ONLY thing that matters is out of my reach.

i am so boring. when am i going to stop talking about the same damn thing? feeling the same damn feelings, stuck in the same damn place? he told me that he hates seeing me miserable and though he doesnt want to be without me, he would understand if i stopped seeing him. which i suppose is sweet, but GOD! i want him to fight for me, to not ever let me go no matter what it costs him. and i am so sick of being here in this mental and emotional hell but i CANNOT LET HIM GO. physically. can not.

other stupid, inconsequential things that i want..

-to pierce my nose again
-a cute little house with beautiful bold bright colors on the walls
-to win the dream house giveaway on HGTV!
-move to spain, then italy, then some exotic beautiful island
-have a fulfilling career by helping others (psychologist, nutritionist, holistic doctor)
-become a masseuse
-get a whole new wardrobe full of all the fashionable sexy clothes and shoes i want to wear
-play the guitar
-dye my hair blonde (like it used to be naturally!) with burgundy streaks
-love someone with my whole heart and soul who loves me just as much
-feel like myself again
-be happy

i love this girl...

a better day

today was pretty decent. i think that when i experience such raw pain as i did yesterday, i go back to hibernate in my cave of denial. so ive been positive and productive. cleaned my house which felt great. (you wouldnt believe how slobbish i used to be, and since arabella now im a freak about clutter)
penny came over to visit today, as did olivia and the boys. it was fun, they stayed for about 2 hours and we just hung out and talked and took the boys to the little playground. i love showing off my baby. she is so beautiful, and sweet. she smiles so much now, it is adorable. her eyes get all squinty and she shows off her little gums, its just the biggest most precious smile i have ever seen.
it feels good to have people around me. normally i am such a hermit and stay home by myself and it can really get old. i love caring for my baby but i am a creature of communication (some might say its the gemini in me) and i love to - NEED TO - talk and express myself. when given the opportunity i will exhaust myself just talking and exchanging ideas and thoughts all day. (my poor ex coworkers, lol) this journal has come in quite handy for that and it means a lot that people read it and comment. so thanks, everyone, for helping keep my sanity :)
tomorrow monique is coming over... im excited, should be a party as usual!

the monster

my heart is full of ugliness
and it hurdles out my mouth
poisoning all who come upon me
i just have to let it out

i once was not this person
but a gentle heart so fair
now ive turned into a monster
the girl i was no longer there

how did i let myself become this
full of hatred and broken rage
can i make myself escape it
and unlock this hideous cage

so disillusioned by love
my hope has taken leave
my heart in stomped on pieces
because i wore it on my sleeve

i want to get away from this
in some country far away
as if happiness lies in location
or just accepting life, come what may
12.28.07

absurdity

he expects me to THANK her. because she provided insurance for my daughter, which i would have provided myself had she not FORCED it on me. this woman is the bain of my existance, the one person who makes my heart and words ugly, the reason for my rage and senseless rollercoaster emotions. she insults me daily, tries to boss me around, tries to BREAK ME DOWN and make me feel 1 inch tall. she has insulted my CHILD, calling her a bastard child. now she expects a THANK YOU???? for something i said NO to 20 times before finally giving in just to get her to SHUT THE HELL UP???? she expects me to deal with her and not the father of my child, as if i am raising this baby with her??!!!! well she wasnt there when arabella was created, or throughout my pregnancy, or when she was born, and i SURE AS HELL dont need her help or input now!!! and then he calls ME a bitch, because i said thank you to him and not her. he has NO FUCKING CLUE what i am going through, because i just keep my mouth shut to spare him from my unending wrath and hatred. i am about to throw up i am so angry. i hate being this person. i wish i could go back to the day i found out i was pregnant and just keep my MOUTH SHUT and not tell him a damn thing. i hate who ive become, what my life has become, and what it will be. i have never been more miserable. i am terrified of the future, regretful of the past, and exhausted with the present.
I FUCKING HATE HER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

my baby's first christmas

she was none too pleased at this moment...but still so precious it makes me want to kiss the screen

sushi and i love you

i always miss him more on the holidays. i suppose thats quite cliche of me. to imagine him happily celebrating with his family makes my stomach sick. and i know he is happy. he tries to tell me she is such a bitch, she brings out the worst in him, they fight all the time...then WHY isnt he here with me, the one who supposedly makes him happy?? i think i will spend my life trying to figure this out, and the sad part is that no matter what logic i use it translates in my heart to the words "i am not good enough. i must not be, or he would be here. love me more. give it all up to be with me and our daughter."

so while dwelling last night i remembered the first time he told me he loved me. its funny how those memories suddenly jump into your brain and make your heart do flip flops.

we were meeting for a date at our favorite sushi place. i walked toward him wearing a long black gypsy skirt and a teal halter top that wrapped around my neck. he had this weird look on his face that i couldnt quite figure out. when we went inside our friend the sushi chef "sho" told him i got more beautiful every time he saw me. throughout the whole lunch J was so strange, laughing nervously, talking weird like he was stoned or something. i kept laughing at him and telling him he was so weird today. it was a pleasant lunch full of touching laughing and kissing as always... we can never keep our hands and lips to ourselves when we are together, even after 3 years. (they say the "love phermones" wear off after 18 months of dating, but never for us)
so when we were done we went to his truck and sat there kissing for probably 20 minutes....but he was still so nervous and acting like a 12 year old. then he finally said it, it burst out of his mouth like something hot he could no longer hold on to. he looked so vulnerable for those few seconds while i stared at him in a stunned blissful stupor. i told him i loved him too, and we kissed again so desperately you would think it was our last time.

even typing the words makes me smile. i cant help loving this man with such total abandonment of myself, despite the fact that my life has been turned completely upside down because of it. if you want to know my greatest fear it is that i will always love him so passionately, and that he will never be with me. what if i never draw the line and move on? what if i never love someone as much as i love him? what if my heart remains forever in this purgatory, stuck and helpless to beat only for my baby's daddy?

a year

what a difference a year makes
12 short months is all it takes
to change your life and up the stakes
and leave you standing in time's wake

just one year ago i was free
to live life as i wanted and just be me
this year i have a little she
for the rest of my life now im a mommy

last december i was young
had nothing to do but take care of one
free to party, travel, and have fun
could do anything imaginable under the sun

this december love has left me cold
one calendar has made me look so old
left without the lover i thought id always hold
i wouldve called you crazy if id been told

how tricky this short life can be
if you slide down the slope so slippery
better be careful or end up just like me
a year later, shocked at destiny
____________________________________

i LOVE my baby, i just never thought i would have her now!!

santa claus is coming to town

my christmas wish list
#1- a healthy and happy baby forever
#2- a man who loves me, is here for me always, and who is my best friend and most amazing lover (like what i have, minus the "here for me always" part)
#3- some money, please. im not asking to win the lottery (although that would be so nice) but i just need a sense of financial stability, the knowledge that yes, i will have enough to pay the rent, buy food, diapers, and the occasional pedicure.

so is that too much to ask santa for? health, love, and wealth? oh wait...isnt that what most people spend lifetimes trying to achieve?

im gonna dream big this year.

poems for my baby

i hope you are sweet like the love we shared
i hope you are strong like the way we cared
i hope you love as much as was in our stares
i hope you find life to be much more fair

i hope you have your daddy's smile
take our brains but not our guile
know that we loved you all the while
and for you we'd walk a million miles

i hope you know your mama tried
to love you the most and be by your side
for you i laugh and for you i cry
i know one day you will touch the sky

my sweet baby girl, i will do my best
to give you my life, forsaking all the rest
i'll do everything i can to make your pain less
i hope at the end i pass the final test.

9-23-07

my body expands for you now
as you grow sweetly in the dark
innocently awakening, senses form
you've taken me over and captured my heart

ive never known a love like this
all encompassing my every move
my baby girl, nothing compares
to the wonder ive found in you

youre on my mind all the time
with worry, care, and awe
im so excited to meet you my love
the little one given to me by God

i dedicate my life to you
to your growth and ultimate good
how a mother's love can be so great
i never understood

- for my baby 9-24-07

my favorite song

i think this will be our song someday...i love third eye blind, so many of their songs make me FEEL. i can relate.

Just an old friend coming over now to visit you and
That's what I've become I let myself in though I know I'm not supposed to
but I never know when I'm done
And I see you fogging up the mirror
Vapor round your body glistens in the shower
And I want to stay right here and go down on you for an hour
Or stay, and let the day just fade away
In wild dedication, take the moment of hope
And let it run, and never look back at all the damage we have done now
To each other
Cause when I see you, it's like I'm starring down the sun
And I'm blinded There's nothing left to do
Still I see you
I never believed that things they happen for a reason and
They never go as planned
I wanted to thank you for a vision that was lost that you returned
but You're passed do you understand
Now her appetite is blown, little else is known
Except she a little angry, grabs a towel and looks away
And heat fades with the day
And I fall down on what to say,
Oh something clean let me be clever
Hey oh well whatever
But that's not what I mean
When where we've been has left us burned
Still I won't turn now from a fight you know I'll never win
So when I see you, you know all the things I've done
Well I'm blinded Like I'm staring down the sun
When I see you
It's like I'm staring down the sun
Time passes and it tells us what we're left with
We become the things we do
Me I'm a fool, spent from defiance, yeah you got me but I didn't give up on you
Icarus is not a tee shirt or a swan song, no
He is born again and it's not easy being me
But I can't promise I will mend or bend
When you believe that we are fixed now from our birth
And I've just fallen back to earth
Still you know I'll try again
Cause I believe that we are lucky
We are golden we're stolen manners
In the days when we were one
So when I see you, despite all that we've become
I'm still blinded But I'm still staring down the sun
When I see you I'm blinded

stick a fork in me

im so done. you would think after 6 weeks of rest and recovery (if you can call caring for a newborn r&r) that i would be ready to resume a somewhat normal schedule. wrong! yesterday and today i drove into the office (with arabella in tow of course) and did a bid for daniel. he needed the help and i need the money, so i was happy to do it. but i am just EXHAUSTED. i also went to the doctor yesterday for my post partum exam and they said i am good to go...which is great!...i just wish i felt like it. i had a massive headache today for most of the day and was too busy to make sure i ate and drank enough. plus arabella is super fussy due to the disruption of her normal routine and all of this adds up to one cranky mama. i dont know how im going to handle going back to work! just after 2 days of being there my house is a mess and looking at it makes me crazy (which is odd because before i had her i could have cared less about keeping it clean). i guess i will figure it out. i just dont want to be miserable and not able to enjoy my baby or be as loving as i should be.
have i mentioned how hard it is to be a single mom? the physical demands arent even the worst part, its the lack of emotional support that really gets to me. the design of parenting is simple, it takes two whole human beings to make a baby, and there should be two whole human beings to love and raise it, while supporting and caring for eachother. what did i expect though, right? such a stupid, silly girl to think he would actually be here for me. and he acts like i should have nothing in the world to complain about. like its easy. ha!
i saw a couple in the drs. office yesterday also for their post partum checkup and they were passing the baby back and forth as we were talking about how crazy it is to be new parents...but they had each other. and i was so jealous. if i think and dwell upon it too long it breaks my heart all over again. and it is totally pointless but i start to have pity parties for myself. well a party of one is no fun so ill just stop now.
on the bright side i am so tired its hard to work up too much emotion about anything...and the dr. said i could take baths again! yessss...
tomorrow i am going to take it really easy. i will make some phone calls and straighten up the place, but other than that you can find me on the couch under a nice warm blanket with a beautiful baby in my arms.

To be busy is a gift

first of all let me say there is no sweeter gift than holding my peacefully sleeping baby daughter in my arms...having her tiny little fist holding tightly on to my shirt and watching her little rosebud lips think they are sucking as she dreams. it is beautiful. she is amazing. i am so blessed to be her mommy.

today was a busy day. arabella and i went on our first solo shopping trip to trader joes and it was actually fun! instead of taking her carseat in the store with us i put her in the baby bjorn holder thing and she was happily strapped to my chest the whole time! we ran into kristin's mom and she oohed and ahhed over my girl. we got a bunch of good food which is relieving cuz my cupboards were getting pretty bare.
then i worked on the business plan for the company all afternoon; they are having a meeting tomorrow with a potential investor and i made a powerpoint for them to show him. i hope it goes well because they are going to need money to pay me when i come back! after that i made phone calls for JP and did the domestic goddess chores: dishes, dinner, trash. all while caring for my girl, who was very wide awake and fussy most of the day. i think she gets a little disturbed when we go out...messes up her normal routine of sleeping all day! :) tomorrow we have a busy day too so i hope she gets some good sleep tonight.
i never actually imagined myself being able to handle everything i do now. i never cooked and cleaned before so tackling that alone is a feat in itself but also caring for a newborn...i feel strangely proud of myself and confident...like i am doing something i never knew i could, and i am doing it well.
anyhow i like being busy, it doesnt leave me much time to sit and wonder who i am or all that other existential bullshit.
baby is waking up...duty calls!

Success

"Success is being happy in life."

Are you successful? Am I?

I think there are two kinds of happiness...the kind that is fleeting and based on temporal things and circumstances, and the happiness that is within you, a part of your soul. It is partly contentment and partly a peace in your spirit that radiates outward. I used to think I had it and now I'm not so sure where it went.

My baby makes me happy. She is the single most important little person to ever enter my life and is my heart, joy, and #1 priority. I cant believe she is already 6 weeks old. But as anyone who has lived through a few trips around the sun knows, another person (no matter how precious) cannot sustain happiness within someone else.

I am just trying to figure out what happened to my sense of "this is me, i love myself, i am pleased and content with my life" did i ever have it? do i imagine having it now that i feel its loss so acutely? will it come back to me when i go back to work? when i am successful in the business world? when i have a man who loves me so deeply he knows i am his completeness and would never leave me? can i will it to come back to me? can i choose to wake up tomorrow and be this person who i want to be so badly?

Where is my success hiding?

"blinded when i see you"

seriously, seeing pictures of his family makes me sick. physically. and i know its my own damn fault for being so damn nosy but its like this stupid obsession that i cant let go of once the thought enters my mind. so i snoop around and end up just hurting myself.
moments like these make me want to stop talking to him and go make myself all super porn star hot like angelica, just to make him want me more and prove to him and everyone else that i AM good enough, pretty enough, WORTHY to be loved enough to make a difference..but then mere hours later he is calling and i love him too much to tell him to leave me alone. and it is all for the love of him in the first place, i will never be able to push him away. i am pathetic. seriously.

Tired...so tired

oh my baby girl is wearing me out! all she wants to do at night is eat and cry, eat and cry. finally just got her to sleep and laying down and i am going there with her right now....to wake up again in 2 hours. its amazing how being a mom is a complete death unto yourself. your needs no longer matter, you no longer have the luxury of doing things that please you unless your little one permits it. they control your universe, your every move and action is planned around their happiness and needs. if anyone wants to learn humility and selflessness, have a baby. but i cant complain, she is so worth it...

so i heard some more tonight about what a piece of shit sharon thinks i am. she thinks i am too "conservative" and cant believe that javier would ever choose to be with me..someone who in her words is "so much less than her" she thinks i have no occupational future, and have nothing going for me. as much as i know it is a bunch of bullshit from the lips of someone so insecure, it really undermines my self esteem and confidence. i dont know why the hell i give a shit what she thinks of me but it eats at me...i know her words are baseless and stupid, i know i have a bright future and even a bright present, there is nothing wrong with me or my life and i am certainly no less of a woman than she is! i guess it all comes down to the fact that everything that has happened this past year has really changed and shaken me. i dont think i know fully who i have become and i am not comfortable in my own skin. i feel like im going through that awkward stage of puberty again...trying to figure out where i fit in, what i want, how i feel about everything....i hope i find myself again soon, maybe this journal will help.

one thing i know for sure...this is what my heart looks like....

Hello, blog!

Well it's always exciting to me to create and start something new, and if you knew me you'd know I LOVE writing in journals.
So my first problem here is that I need to decide where to draw the line of confession. Obviously I want people to read this otherwise I wouldn't have made it public on the WWW. But how far do I go?...Do I reveal all my secrets and innermost thoughts at the risk of being judged, ridiculed, and scariest of all...truly kown?? Or do I keep it simple and artificial? Honestly I cant be fake, what would be the point of that? And I'm not going to censor myself to only be seen in the best light. If the truth were really told there are parts of me that are ugly, dirty, dark, and shameful. And I'm not proud of them but they are real and have partially shaped who I am today. So I hope you can look upon my flaws with grace and keep remembering over and over that I am just another flawed human being. No one is just one thing. And although I have been called many names, from whore, mistress, homewrecker, and bitch, i have also been called lovely and beautiful and precious and sweet. I guess I am all of them.

Okay, now that my inner dialouge is done and my decision made...here goes my first entry.

Today was a busy day! I have finally decided, in this- my 6th week of maternity leave, to stop laying around and start being productive. Which is hard because while it may seem easy to have nothing to do but care for an infant, it is hard work!!! I rarely get to sleep for more than 3 hours at a time at night and hardly sleep at all during the day! But i am surprised at how my body has adapted. And how patient I've been! Before Arabella was born I was worried I would get pissed every time she woke up (sleep is a very precious thing to me!) but I dont. I love her and the most I have felt is mild irritation when I am dead asleep and she wants to get up and eat every hour. A mother;s love really is something else.
Anyhow today I got back to doing my Juice Plus work and made a bunch of phone calls and customer order changes. Then I cleaned up the kitchen, did dishes, and put away laundry.
Then Javier asked me to go pick up some applications for the guys so I drove to get those...and guess who is the receptionist?? Cynthia, from my old job. Now Cynthia is part of the rumor mill that always suspected Javier and I were together but could never confirm it. AND I dont know how people know these things, but even though I havent talked to anyone I used to know, they all know we had a baby together. So here I go, unsuspecting, with my little love child in tow, and was completely shocked to see her there.
It's really weird to know exactly what someone is thinking about you (especially when its something like, "I knew it, you whore!!") and it was awkward to talk to her. But oh well, what can I say, the deed is done and I am certainly not ashamed of what a beautiful and precious baby I have to show for it.
So tonight I have more phone calls to make (which means more $$ for me, and boy do I need it) and dinner to eat plus the endless feeding of the little one.
She is crying for mama now so I'll end it here.