heartbreak

i always thought of broken hearts so cavalierly. like they were no big deal, definitely something i could handle. or maybe i just envisioned it being as romantic as in the movies; someone gets heartbroken and 1 or 2 hours later it is all resolved. they get over it, or even better, get back together with the person who broke their heart and all of a sudden everything is good again.

in reality i now understand a broken heart is the worst kind of torture. it is slow, unending, oppresive...a big wet heavy blanket that is impossible to free yourself of. it constantly nags at your brain like the most depressing song you keep humming because its stuck in your head. and then when you have just one moment of peace and happiness, it sneaks up on you and punches you in the stomach to remind you its still there. it doesnt get resolved in hours, days, weeks, or months. it haunts. it deprives. it remembers.

this is a lesson i wish i had never learned. a consequence far worse than the ones i begged God not to let happen. i used to pray that emotional pain would be the worst thing id have to suffer, rather than public humiliation or other things i thought were so horrifying at the time. and it turns out He gave me what i asked for. i just had no idea what it was. and there is no way to get out of it now. we could be together or apart and it would be the same.