i want...

who is out there for me? which one of you is mine? i have everything i could possibly want in a man, but he belongs to someone else. what kind of cruel twist of fate is this? and to complicate matters more, i went and had a baby with him!

i want someone of my own, who i love and adore equally as much, but i fear it is not possible. i want someone to go to bed with every night, and wake up with every morning. someone to talk to throughout the day, laugh with, make love with, raise children with, be happy with. but i want it to be javier. why why WHY cant i have him? i feel like i should just be able to MAKE him be with me, because i want it so much it should just BE. it is so frustrating not to be able to have what i want so desperately; the ONLY thing that matters is out of my reach.

i am so boring. when am i going to stop talking about the same damn thing? feeling the same damn feelings, stuck in the same damn place? he told me that he hates seeing me miserable and though he doesnt want to be without me, he would understand if i stopped seeing him. which i suppose is sweet, but GOD! i want him to fight for me, to not ever let me go no matter what it costs him. and i am so sick of being here in this mental and emotional hell but i CANNOT LET HIM GO. physically. can not.

other stupid, inconsequential things that i want..

-to pierce my nose again
-a cute little house with beautiful bold bright colors on the walls
-to win the dream house giveaway on HGTV!
-move to spain, then italy, then some exotic beautiful island
-have a fulfilling career by helping others (psychologist, nutritionist, holistic doctor)
-become a masseuse
-get a whole new wardrobe full of all the fashionable sexy clothes and shoes i want to wear
-play the guitar
-dye my hair blonde (like it used to be naturally!) with burgundy streaks
-love someone with my whole heart and soul who loves me just as much
-feel like myself again
-be happy

i love this girl...