Tired...so tired

oh my baby girl is wearing me out! all she wants to do at night is eat and cry, eat and cry. finally just got her to sleep and laying down and i am going there with her right now....to wake up again in 2 hours. its amazing how being a mom is a complete death unto yourself. your needs no longer matter, you no longer have the luxury of doing things that please you unless your little one permits it. they control your universe, your every move and action is planned around their happiness and needs. if anyone wants to learn humility and selflessness, have a baby. but i cant complain, she is so worth it...

so i heard some more tonight about what a piece of shit sharon thinks i am. she thinks i am too "conservative" and cant believe that javier would ever choose to be with me..someone who in her words is "so much less than her" she thinks i have no occupational future, and have nothing going for me. as much as i know it is a bunch of bullshit from the lips of someone so insecure, it really undermines my self esteem and confidence. i dont know why the hell i give a shit what she thinks of me but it eats at me...i know her words are baseless and stupid, i know i have a bright future and even a bright present, there is nothing wrong with me or my life and i am certainly no less of a woman than she is! i guess it all comes down to the fact that everything that has happened this past year has really changed and shaken me. i dont think i know fully who i have become and i am not comfortable in my own skin. i feel like im going through that awkward stage of puberty again...trying to figure out where i fit in, what i want, how i feel about everything....i hope i find myself again soon, maybe this journal will help.

one thing i know for sure...this is what my heart looks like....