stick a fork in me

im so done. you would think after 6 weeks of rest and recovery (if you can call caring for a newborn r&r) that i would be ready to resume a somewhat normal schedule. wrong! yesterday and today i drove into the office (with arabella in tow of course) and did a bid for daniel. he needed the help and i need the money, so i was happy to do it. but i am just EXHAUSTED. i also went to the doctor yesterday for my post partum exam and they said i am good to go...which is great!...i just wish i felt like it. i had a massive headache today for most of the day and was too busy to make sure i ate and drank enough. plus arabella is super fussy due to the disruption of her normal routine and all of this adds up to one cranky mama. i dont know how im going to handle going back to work! just after 2 days of being there my house is a mess and looking at it makes me crazy (which is odd because before i had her i could have cared less about keeping it clean). i guess i will figure it out. i just dont want to be miserable and not able to enjoy my baby or be as loving as i should be.
have i mentioned how hard it is to be a single mom? the physical demands arent even the worst part, its the lack of emotional support that really gets to me. the design of parenting is simple, it takes two whole human beings to make a baby, and there should be two whole human beings to love and raise it, while supporting and caring for eachother. what did i expect though, right? such a stupid, silly girl to think he would actually be here for me. and he acts like i should have nothing in the world to complain about. like its easy. ha!
i saw a couple in the drs. office yesterday also for their post partum checkup and they were passing the baby back and forth as we were talking about how crazy it is to be new parents...but they had each other. and i was so jealous. if i think and dwell upon it too long it breaks my heart all over again. and it is totally pointless but i start to have pity parties for myself. well a party of one is no fun so ill just stop now.
on the bright side i am so tired its hard to work up too much emotion about anything...and the dr. said i could take baths again! yessss...
tomorrow i am going to take it really easy. i will make some phone calls and straighten up the place, but other than that you can find me on the couch under a nice warm blanket with a beautiful baby in my arms.