i feel funny...

...i have this indescribable weird/funny/bad/not so bad feeling in the pit of my stomach. i think it a combination of reading rebecca woolf's blog on babble.com (realizing that as she said so eloquently, i am the adult now, the parent, the one to take care of and nurture; not the child, or the one who is taken care of...there is no one now but me),

listening to third eye blind as i think of the state my poor heart is in "When I came to visit you, That's when I knew, That I could never have you, I knew that before you did, Still I'm the one who's stupid, And there's this burning, Like there's always been, I've never been so alone, And I've never been so alive."

and then theres the fact that i really have no paying job, my stupid construction company ive been working for has no jobs, no bids for me to do, and no money to pay me with, and i have been complacently wandering around this tiny apartment for 2 months before realizing this, breaking out into cold sweats daily, and going 'oh SHIT! how am i supposed to take care of myself? HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO TAKE CARE OF MY BABY??? fuck fuck fuck' my baby's father is not helpful in this situation as he works for the same damn worthless company and also has no money. we're a bunch of winners, yes?

it is all on me now, friends. ALL ON ME. DO SOMETHING!!!!