tonight as i was rocking my baby girl to sleep, i got this very strong feeling of foreboding. but i think thats the wrong word. maybe a better one would be expectation. yes.
lately i have been pretty negative and down on life... i guess i have felt trapped and like my life really had no where to go, or at least no where exciting. all i could see ahead of me was struggle. struggle to raise my child well in a home where she only has me, a struggle to pay the bills, to educate myself, to follow my dreams, to be alone. it has been a hard reality for me to accept.
but sitting in the rocking chair tonight i felt so *positive*, such a sense of wonder at the unknown. most of the time not knowing is a scary thing for me but i am seeing it in a whole new way....i have a future to create. i can do anything, and be anyone i want. yes it may be difficult but it is still mine for the taking! i am so excited to see what will happen and who i will be 2 years, 5 years, 10 years from now.
this poem is kinda corny and simplistic, but i wrote it so ill post it:
'hard times'
be thankful for the darkness
after it, morning is so bright
and celebrate the rain
for getting dry then feels so right
be peaceful through the tears
let just one kiss bring a smile
live contentedly through hard years
and see your growth all the while
its okay to wear a frown
yes, life can be so hard
but just dont let it get you down
and because of it, youll go far.
1.5.08
Sunday, January 6, 2008
what is this im feeling..?
Posted by Baby*Mama*Elyse at 9:06 PM
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5 love notes:
“We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey.” Kenji Miyazawa
This is my new favorite quote. Gave me encouragement as I found it to offer to a friend who'd recently lost his father. Just discovered your blog (and thanks for visiting mine!) but it seems like you are on the right path - which, of course, means there will be some bumps along the road (only the wrong ones are smooth!).
You are absolutely hilarious!! I love the thank you note to your aunt!! Genius!
I will do my best to just have "fun".
It's very very hard! But he is a fun guy, so I can always wing it until I drop him off...
After that, it's every girl for herself!
I have been feeling pretty down lately myself...
This blogging deal helps buckets doesn't it?!
you keep going on this track sister!!! yes what you are doing is hard as hell but yes it makes you amazing. and your baby doesn't know right now how hard it is, she just wants love. She doesn't care if you are rich or poor or pretty or short or what shoes she's wearing, she loves you and that's all. create something amazing girl! I'm starting all over at 41, with two teens and a new job to help my new career and I am making new friends and it's been hell and it's been amazing...so don't give up!!!!
The only way to ever find out how strong we are is to follow our hearts as far as they take us. I applaud you. You loved this guy until the end of it. You stayed in fighting until your last breath. You gave everything to make it work. Now you have no regrets and when your baby looks at you with her big sweet eyes and asks you why it didn't work between you and her daddy, you will be able to say with all your heart that you loved well, but that sometimes one person's love, no matter how strong, isn't enough. There is great dignity in loving well. The times I have not have left me cold and small, but the times I have pushed me further into the person I am supposed to be.
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