"it really makes me wonder"

i am starting to wonder what the last 3 1/2 years of my life were worth - if spent with a man who doesnt have the decency to miss me now that i am gone.

i gave up EVERYTHING for him. i lied to the people i cared about, i risked my job, lost a good friendship, and ultimately gave up my deserved years of youth to be with him. i forfeited my self esteem, self worth, and time to love him. i rearranged my life to be available when he was; i lived for those times and moments that he could spend with me, and cried when he left or could not be there when i needed him. i reduced myself to a SECRET, our love only able to exist in the dark, in the quiet, where no one could know. and if they did find out, i suddenly became of least importance. do you know what that does to a girl's heart?

when i told him i was pregnant - in february of 2007, he said he decided that life with me was not what he wanted. and then throughout the rest of year he proceeded to go back and forth on what he wanted...all the while i am 22 and pregnant and just trying to survive. i can easily say 2007 was the hardest year of my life because of that man.

i knew all this as i chose to continue loving him, of course. i thought i couldnt live without him. and when we were together it was not bad, it was magical. i have never had that kind of connection with anyone. we could talk about anything, laugh about everything. he cared about what i had to say, he participated in things that were important to me. i influenced him because i was passionate about things. we had the best sex life i imagine i will ever have (but sincerely hope not). he was affectionate and kind, would do anything i asked. he overlooked my flaws. and i didnt think he had any. we worked together, played together, had the BEST TIMES together. we were two fucking peas in a pod. i chose to be there. i chose to stay and take all the immeasurable bad with the meager good i could get.

why? i have no clue. maybe because i never had a dad and am starved for the love of a man. maybe just because of how good it was, how much i LOVED HIM SO DESPERATELY. how we fit together like the very God of the universe made us for each other and there was some huge cosmic mistake of him not being mine first.

but he was never mine. he told me he would be one day, and i held on to that hope like a life vest in the middle of a raging sea. he told me if he ever got me pregnant (which he did consciously and without my consent, by the way) that he would be there with me, we would be a family. but hes not here, we are not a family. i am just a broken woman who is alone, without the man she gave up heart, soul, mind, body, blood, sweat, and an ocean of tears for. i will never be the same. my life will never never be what it could have (and probably should have) been.

and after all that he doesnt care.

despite all that is worthless though, he gave me one thing that is worth more than diamonds and gold and all the money in the world, and she is a gift i would never, could never return...