grief

First, we must recognize that we are entitled to grieve and to grieve in our own way. Be aware of the common signs of grief and expect any combination of these symptoms. Initially, we may be unable to manage our regular responsibilities and it is often best to avoid making any major decisions or life changes until there is more emotional stability. There may be a desire to withdraw from social functions, but support from friends and family can be beneficial. Expression of thoughts and feelings can help move towards acceptance of the loss, whether this is verbal or written. No matter how strong we think we are, the grieving process cannot be avoided.

i think i am going to be boring and repetitive for a while. i have been on such an emotional rollercoaster. a few days ago javier told me there was a 90% chance he was getting divorced. of course, my hope soared. yesterday, he told me he was staying with his family. we had discussed it previously and had decided that he should not be a part of Arabella's life if that was the case. So when he told me yesterday, i was in shock (as i always am...why am i always so damn surprised at the same outcome??) and i told him goodbye for what i thought was forever. then last night he emails me and tells me that he cant let arabella go and WILL be a part of her life. (leaving me no room to say yes or no or whatever) first of all, i was already upset and hurt. but when i feel that someone is taking power away from me i get soooo frustrated and even more upset/anxious.

i could go on and on but basically, i feel like im in the deepest pit of despair. i am supposed to start a new job on monday and i am so anxious, do not feel ready, overall just a mess. i am worried that all the stress is going to deplete my breastmilk. i wish i could run away and hide under a rock for a while. but i have to work, i have no choice. no matter how much i try to pep talk myself and tell myself it is all for the best, i still feel like crying every second. i am chicken little, and the sky is falling.