the critic

sometimes my boyfriend is so critical. he never used to be this way. you know, when youre just the mistress, only seen at your best, when you feel fun, sexy, flirty and desired, there is nothing much to criticize.
now we've been together for 4 years, with a brand new baby, and he is finally getting to know me. the real me. the messy, moody, emotional, defensive, scared, slightly-uncomfortable-in-her-own-skin me. and i dont know how much he likes it. he finds my anxiety and quiet moodiness (always provoked by him) to be unnattractive. then i retort with some smart, hurt little girl comment and he just doesnt get it. he doesnt understand my feelings, or even try to. he expects me to be the fantasy goddess, the sexual, confident, powerful woman he once knew.
i have always known and loved him for exactly what he was. maybe it was because he treated me so damn good. maybe i was just naive. i never ask him to change, or be something hes not. when hes moody, or pissed off, or quiet and thoughtful i try to put myself in his shoes; be empathetic. why doesnt he return the favor? why, instead of criticizing, doesnt he seek to understand me?

and so the outcome of our stupid little fights is that i always swallow my feelings and apologize, feeling slightly guilty for inconveniencing him with my heart. i know it shouldnt be this way. yet i cant ask him to change and even if i could, he wouldnt. he was in love with an illusion and the reality is a disappointment.