exhausted to the point of insanity

...and i say im insane because instead of SLEEPING while my beautiful baby is, i am up at 10pm redoing my myspace page and reading blogs...ahh! she is going to wake up in just a few hours, and its all downhill from there (sleep wise)
I have been sooo sleep deprived lately. I have starting putting her in her crib..i felt it was time, at least for half the night. but in trying to get her to STAY in the crib, i end up getting up at least 3 times a night to feed and put her back, if not just to soothe. me thinks this is a little counter productive! so i am a zombie. but my myspace page looks good. ha!

school is good, but hard, and time consuming. I have a paper to write, and a chapter to read ( a long one ) and a quiz to study for this weekend. bah. thats another better use of this time...writing that paper. ah well.

I am still losing weight!!! Yeah baby...down almost 15 lbs so far!! :)

Okay..im off to waste more time and feel guilty about it.!

exhaustion

I am SOOOO TIRED!!! I have been feeling this way for a while (ok, mostly every day since Arabella was born) but even more so today and yesterday!! I dont know if I am getting sick, am malnourished, have some health problem (i read that new moms are very susceptible to thyroid issues), or if im about to start my period again! :-/ I hope not.

So I have started logging what I eat again on thedailyplate.com. It's quite a handy little tool. It tracks all your calories and breaks down carbs, fat, protein, etc etc. Plus it will tell you how many calories you should be eating and also has groups and forums to chat. I just joined 3 mom groups. I think this will help keep me on track and see what kind of nutrition Im really getting, maybe I'm so tired simply because I'm not eating enough or enough of the right stuff!

I'm writing about being all healthy tracking my food but dont be fooled, I am sitting here bloated and nauseas because I just stuffed my face with In N Out cheeseburger and fries! ha!

I am getting more and more prepared to move (no I havent started packing...of course! haha) But I have picked out my paint colors. My living room is going to be a pretty sage green (a little on the dark side), kitchen and dining are a dark tan, hallway is a lighter tan, Arabella's room is a pretty light turquoise, and my room will be RED!!!! yessss..
And I have been scoping out new bedding and curtains online. Wal Mart has some awesome prices!!! Gotta love that tax return just burning a little hole in my pocket!

Arabella is getting soooo big! (And even more beautiful!) She is already almost 4 months old and fitting into 6 month clothes!! My little chunk-a-munk is what i call her. She is starting to grab stuff and put to her mouth, smiling and talking A LOT...no big laughs yet though. I guess I do not amuse her, heh. I love my little cutie booty!!!

randomness

I miss my blog! Since starting my new job I feel like I have been in a whirlwind! Every day it is get up at 5am, work all day, come home, eat, shower, and get ready for the next day. It hasnt gotten old yet but Im sure i will start to feel burnt out soon. Im still in the honeymoon stage, haha.



Work is going good though. I really respect and like my boss and i think he likes me too (in a purely professional way of course!) He is giving me lots of projects that seem to show he has faith in me. Today I had meetings all day long with electrical subcontractors on a huge job coming up. Its funny because I feel like a little girl playing pretend...like I actually know what im doing. and then i realize i do. weird.



tomorrow I am going to a trade show about 70 miles away from the office...so i wont get to see my baby girl at lunch :-( but it will be fun to go out there and see whats going on.



Arabella has had an eye infection since sunday. it is all watery and goopy. i got her medicine and let me tell you, it is a bitch holding open her eye and trying to squeeze this stuff under her eyelid. !!! she suddenly turns into a worm in hot ashes...lol



I was starting to worry about her because she hasnt been smiling or talking a lot the last few days and seemed like she was having a hard time focusing on things...and then when i went to pick her up today she was smiling SO BIG and almost laughing and babbling so loud. i swear i fall more in love with her everyday. she IS my heart.



There are like 3 guys in my office who keep hitting on me. I swear i think i am giving off major doses of sex phermones or something because this one guy asks me out on the DAILY!! and the sick thing is...hes married!!! why the hell do all the married men want me? it is not fair, and it is really disrespectful if you think about it. not only to their wives but to me! there was a time when i wouldnt have thought twice of it...i never used to think it was that bad. but since ive been burned to a lump of charcoal i see things much more clearly. i am tired of men. i am tired of giving 100000% of myself to them all the time. the next guy who wants me is going to have to work his ass off to get me. and I know thats not really fair because relationships should be a two way street but i dont care. thats how i feel. i am not willing to put forth the effort and the risk and the vulnerability anymore. i hope i dont turn into one of those sad empty people who never let themselves love again. i just want someone to chase me for once.



anyways......

this week

Wow, its been a week since ive written on here. It feels like a long week that flew by, if that makes any sense.

Monday I started my new job. It has been pretty good so far.
The things I like are:
-everyone is really nice
-it is 10 minutes door to door from my house and my babysitters house!
- i get to work 7-4
-it is challenging, and i like a challenge
-my office mate danny is hilarious, he has a really sarcastic sense of humor and i found myself red faced and doubled over on my desk a few times this week.

Yay!

There is not really anything I dont like. The days have flown by, probably because everything i am doing is all brand new to me. I also pump breastmilk a few times during the day which makes me feel good, like i am still providing for my baby. and everyone is cool about it. i also go to the babysitters house at lunch time to visit my little love bug so that is a huge relief. it is the highlight of my days.

I am starting to feel like the confident, professional business woman i once was. I feel like I am learning everything pretty quickly and that my bosses are pleased with me. (always a good thing!)

It has been a little taxing doing the whole work AND mom thing. I still have to get up all night with Arabella and then bounce out of bed at 5am. I try to get everything ready the night before so I dont forget anything in my sleepy stupor in the mornings. I think ill get the hang of it one day soon here.

I found a great babysitter the NIGHT BEFORE my first day. I was freaking out wondering what I was going to do with my baby, my most prized possession, when my mom told me her friend and her daughter would watch her! Her friend's daughter's name is Tiffany and she lives with her mom like 2 minutes down the street from me. She has a 4 year old son and a daughter who was born 2 days after Arabella! She is so sweet and loving and is doing a great job taking care of Arabella. What a relief!! I feel totally comfortable leaving her there and knowing that she is being loved. The first 2 days she was pretty cranky and didnt want to eat much during the day, and when i would come at lunch she just cried and cried...and then would not remove her lips from my breasts all night long! lol But after that she seems to have adjusted and is eating her normal 10 oz (i know, little piggy!!!) during the time that I am gone. She doesnt seem to be emotionally scarred like I thought so I am extremely happy!! :) :)

However the weekend has flown by too fast and I am sad to have to leave her again tomorrow. :( Thank God for lunchtimes.

Financially, i am so fucked up right now. Because my disability stopped in December, I have had no money coming in since then. I get my first check next friday but it is only for one week. With it i somehow have to magically pay rent, electric and cable bills, 3 weeks of babysitting and also cover the massive overdrafts I have going on right now. Not fun. I would rather have $00000 than be $487 in the negative! And it will just get worse. But hopefully in a month or so I will be back on track.

I am too tired now to tell you about my love life so I will save that for the next entry. I'll try not to wait a week this time.

and the pictures of the week...

this picture makes me smile

she had a lot to say after her bath this morning....

another baby poem i found

i found a bunch of poems in my phone! here is another one i wrote for my little mama before she was born

its a miracle of life
that you grow inside
such special moments
when you kick me as you hide
i cant wait to see your face
to count your precious toes
im going to kiss you all over the place
and touch your little nose
i cant believe that you are mine
and i grew you from the start
nothing much will matter now
youve stolen mommy's heart
i love you baby, i always will
youre my little love child
you will always light up my world
and be the reason for my smile