nothing new

well days continue to pass in a blur..I cant believe March is here and my little girl is 4 months old! and next week time changes! this year is flying. everything is pretty much the same, still workin, and feedin, and sleep deprived!
today i went to my babysitter's sons birthday party at chucky cheese..that was fun. there were sooo many people there, it gave me a taste of what I will have to be doing in a few years. motherhood is so different! ive said it before and ill keep saying it forever, the baby always comes first. i am no longer elyse, i am arabella's mommy. maybe it'll change as she gets older - and i am definitely not complaining, i love my new title. it feels like a promotion ;-)
I am so not ready for monday to come. but im sure it will come anyway!
I keep daydreaming about my new apartment, I cant wait to move in!!! 2 more months! it seems like forever. Its been a while since ive anticipated something so much, besides my baby! I cant wait to have the walls all painted and i have picked out a new bed set and new curtains...yay! fun! all my hours spent watching HGTV are about to pay off. ha ha.

exhaustion

I am SOOOO TIRED!!! I have been feeling this way for a while (ok, mostly every day since Arabella was born) but even more so today and yesterday!! I dont know if I am getting sick, am malnourished, have some health problem (i read that new moms are very susceptible to thyroid issues), or if im about to start my period again! :-/ I hope not.

So I have started logging what I eat again on thedailyplate.com. It's quite a handy little tool. It tracks all your calories and breaks down carbs, fat, protein, etc etc. Plus it will tell you how many calories you should be eating and also has groups and forums to chat. I just joined 3 mom groups. I think this will help keep me on track and see what kind of nutrition Im really getting, maybe I'm so tired simply because I'm not eating enough or enough of the right stuff!

I'm writing about being all healthy tracking my food but dont be fooled, I am sitting here bloated and nauseas because I just stuffed my face with In N Out cheeseburger and fries! ha!

I am getting more and more prepared to move (no I havent started packing...of course! haha) But I have picked out my paint colors. My living room is going to be a pretty sage green (a little on the dark side), kitchen and dining are a dark tan, hallway is a lighter tan, Arabella's room is a pretty light turquoise, and my room will be RED!!!! yessss..
And I have been scoping out new bedding and curtains online. Wal Mart has some awesome prices!!! Gotta love that tax return just burning a little hole in my pocket!

Arabella is getting soooo big! (And even more beautiful!) She is already almost 4 months old and fitting into 6 month clothes!! My little chunk-a-munk is what i call her. She is starting to grab stuff and put to her mouth, smiling and talking A LOT...no big laughs yet though. I guess I do not amuse her, heh. I love my little cutie booty!!!

ramblings

This weekend was very busy and productive and went by way too fast! Yesterday morning I got my tires rotated and balanced and while i was waiting i walked over to salvation army and got Arabella like 20 outfits and 2 pairs of jeans for me all for the bargain price of $30!!!! I swear some of the stuff i got for her would have been like $15 each...and everything was in perfect condition! yeah!! then i babysat last night for my sister.
this morning i went to church with my mom, and then we went to target, trader joes, and to look at some other apartments (which are not as nice as the ones im moving into and also more expensive!) and now i am doing load after load of laundry!
Church today was really good and touched me in a way that it hasnt in a long time. He talked about one of the parables in Matthew where Jesus is basically telling the disciples to be responsible for the gifts they have been given by God, because one day they will have to account for it. And one of the main points was...live today with eternity in mind, because we never know when our time on earth will be gone. And that just really hit me. Because I really do believe in God and Jesus and the Bible and at one point i was following after Him so strongly and was a "good Christian", and then it all fell apart when I met and started dating Javier. And i know that if i were to die tonight, my heart would not be right...and Im not sure where I would go. And then I started thinking... why am i risking my eternity (not to mention my sanity in the here and now) on things that have no eternal consequence??? like javier , who will never choose me or be with me! or money, i stress about it, i lay awake at night about it! and hasnt God always taken care of me?! yes, He has!!
Anyways, i hope this clarity stays with me because it is so easy to get caught up in stupid every day stuff but if you really think about it, all we have is TODAY. all we have is this one minute we are in RIGHT NOW. 1 minute from now, 10 minutes, tomorrow or next week we could be GONE, standing face to face with the God of the Universe, and what will we have to say for ourselves? "well God, I'm sorry I didnt listen to you but i really thought i loved him" "im sorry i lied all those times but it seemed so important at the time" "im sorry i treated all these people so badly but i must have had a good reason" "im sorry i never paid attention to you but i was just so busy"...??? the list could go on and on. I believe one of the devil's strongest tools is to make us think of only the meaningless things in this world..vanity, pride, money, status, clothes, toys, houses, pettiness, sex...to keep us from thinking about what happens when all of that stuff is gone and we are dead. and i dont want to be tricked by him anymore. The Bible says God's mercies are new every morning and i hope and pray that tomorrow morning i wake up with His mercies on me and as a new woman who stops caring and wasting time on things that dont matter!
What matters is my baby girl, treating others with love and kindness, and being God's friend, and loving Him.

bah hum bug

I am risking getting on here at work just to say, VALENTINES DAY SUCKS!! I am boycotting. I am bitter and pissed and love sucks. haha

heres a poem i wrote yesterday

words can never express
the jumble of emotions inside
the depth of love, the height of joy
and the hurt that is miles wide

but words are all i have
to tell you how i really feel
and once they come tripping out
i might begin to heal

i am so very angry
its eating away at my skin
it knaws me on all levels of consciousness
and poisons my spirit within

on top of the anger is jealousy
and this is a torturous trait
at every thought of you i crumble
no one should envy this fate

but by far the worst is the pain
im crippled in its grip
turned my heart into a hardened stone
with a resident frown on my lips.
2.13.08

happy sunday

today was such a beautiful winter/springy-summery day in so cal. it was about 80 degrees outside, perfect blue sky...it just felt peaceful. everything was quiet, and oddly still. it felt like one long deep cleansing breath of a day.
also i felt very productive- i got my oil changed, played with arabella outside, did laundry and cleaned up a bit. i still have a sink full of dishes but im ok with it. haha.
tomorrow is another monday but i think im ready for it. the weeks keep flying by. and this friday is payday..woohoo!
did i mention my tax return?? i am SO excited, getting more money than i ever have!! and i am going to pay off some debts, save some, and use some for the big move in may. that should come in about 15 days cuz i filed online. gotta love it! oh, and heads up, you know that "free" money / tax credit they are giving out this year? you know the one where you get $600 if you are single and $1200 if married filing jointly plus $300 for each child? well, dont get too spend happy with it because it is basically a front on your next years return. yep, thats right, the tricky gov't is giving you 2009's return this year to "boost the economy" and next year you might end up owing. so be careful!

an old poem

most of my poems are so sad! oh well..

im so depressed
at the way my life has turned
the way youve treated me
has left a slow stinging burn
of betrayal ringing
so loudly in my ears
everything else is muffled
but that painful sounds so clear
my heart doesnt want to beat anymore
it would rather stop and cry
my eyes have given up that job
they just stare out sad and dry
im the fool of this tragic story
stupid girl left in shame
scarlet letter on my forehead
has become my only name
-sometime in september 07

the end.

I miss the way things used to be
Our words filled up the space so sweet
Made good love in eachothers arms
Baby I never meant you any harm

So precious were the times we spent
Couldn't imagine it any different
I was yours and you were my best friend
Lover I never thought I'd see the end

And then the days started getting dark
It became about more than our two hearts
There was so much suffering, so much pain
And you made a promise not to do it again

One plus one, and a baby made three
I needed you more than you needed me
I could never have imagined what it would do
To be torn apart and without you

I know you never wanted all this
We were just too absorbed in our lovers bliss
I forgive you and baby please forgive me
For causing you such pain and misery.
2.5.08

something to be proud of

as my friend mimi said, to love someone fully and to the bitter end is a great accomplishment...and i can honestly say i gave javier everything i had in me, and loved him completely until i could not walk another step. i am proud of myself for this. i am also proud i was finally able to recognize "enough" and let him go, something i never thought possible...

and the anger rolls in...

today i am much more angry than hurt.
i like angry better.

"If you are going through hell, keep going" - Winston Churchill

I found this on a blog I love to read and it is so appropriate for my life right now. In some ways things are looking up - i have a great new job and people i like to work with, and i have someone loving to take care of my baby.

Some things though continue to suck and cause pain and stress. My heart is still so broken and damaged and every day I realize how much my baby's daddy fucked me up. I mean, royally fucked me up. and financially, the bank has been making a fortune off me in overdraft fees. Oh the hatred I feel towards overdraft fees!!!

But good ole' Winston was kind enough to remind me just now that i just need to keep walking "toward the light" keep progressing, keep growing, make every day one day further away from my pain and heartache, and one day closer to being truly happy again.


On a really good note my lease at this apartment expires in April and I will be moving to these KICK ASS apartments that are brand new, right down the road. They were built to condo specifications and have BEAUTIFUL features such as granite countertops in kitchen and bathrooms, wood floor in kitchen, tile floors in bathrooms, and nice carpet everywhere else... 2 good sized rooms, 2 good sized bathrooms, a built in workstation in dining room with the same granite, a garage, and all new appliances included! ....brand new state of the art fitness room, a billiards room and media center with copy and fax machine and computers!! (in the leasing center) Sooo i am SUPER excited to move!!! I want it to be a fresh start! A new place with no memories of baby daddy... !! I am going to start packing now so everything will be done by then and hire movers with my tax return as i have no friends with trucks and not that many friends to help move in the first place. haha
yes yes yes yes yes yesssssss...


moving forward....
thinking about it makes me want to do a happy dance inside.